


Fighting Gravity

by AnnaRaven



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crew Friendships - Freeform, M/M, Mass Effect 1, OC Male Shepard, Scenes Between Missions, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-11-10 04:24:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11119857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaRaven/pseuds/AnnaRaven
Summary: Hiro Shepard was a lot of different things to different people.He was the boy abandoned by his father, the teenager who'd taken on the batarians alone, the man who had no qualms about leading his men to death. He was the Commander of the Normandy, the Butcher of Torfan, the first human Spectre.But to Kaidan, he was something different again. He was the commander who protected his crew, who valued those serving under him, who offered respect to everyone. He was the leader who was teaching him to be a better soldier, who led by example in everything he did, who made himself bleed helping people who didn't deserve it. And he was the man who was slowly taking over Kaidan's mind, invading his dreams, and laying claim to his heart.Artwork in chapter 8 is by the wonderful mrgamblinman on Tumblr.





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Set during ME1, this is a series of moments exploring the experiences and relationships of the Normandy crew in between missions. POVs are Kaidan in the present and Shepard in the past.
> 
> Updates will be once a week; comments will be hugged and treasured :)

ONE

KAIDAN

Kaidan Alenko had been a soldier a long time. He had commendations for courage under fire, for tactical awareness, for dragging a superior officer out of a firefight at the cost of a sniper rifle bullet to the thigh. He’d survived a lot, seen a lot more. But the mission to Eden Prime was making him feel like the greenest rookie at the academy.

When he crested the brow of the hill above the dig site, stopping when Commander Shepard did, he was focused on just breathing. The breeze was cool against his clammy skin and he concentrated on that and not the crushing knowledge that Jenkins should be with them, would never be with them. Then he looked up, and up again; a huge black claw dominated the skyline, stark against the bruised red clouds, electricity crackling around it like a twisted halo.

“What is that? Off in the distance?” he breathed.

“It’s a ship,” Williams said, fuzzy through the comms system. “Look at the size of it!”

A shriek broke the air, shrill and unearthly; it drilled into his brain, into his bones. Shepard ran to the edge of the metal platform and switched to his sniper rifle, dropping smoothly to one knee and starting to pick off the approaching enemy. It took Kaidan a second longer to process what he was seeing, that there really were blue-veined corpses sprinting up the hillside. The sight of them shook him to the core but he shoved the revulsion aside and Threw one of once-human abominations back down the hill. His heart was hammering as the thing exploded in a corona of electric blue, but he had no time to dwell on his disgust. He Lifted another of the things and Shepard sniped it out of the air just as Williams moved from cover and started running down the hill towards the dig site. Shepard swore and took out a geth who was about to blow the soldier’s head off.

Kaidan ran forward to keep up with his commander, the two of them moving towards a rocky outcropping for cover; they were still over a metre away from it when a shot sizzled off Kaidan’s shields. He felt the reverberation right through to his bones and threw himself forwards just as the next shot shattered the rocks into bruising shards of shrapnel.

Then suddenly there was a black figure standing in front of him; Shepard’s shields fizzed and warped as two shots struck in quick succession, shots that would otherwise have hit Kaidan. The commander took out one of the geth but there were two more there, still shooting.

Every instinct told Kaidan to run for cover, but instead he stood shoulder to shoulder with Shepard and threw up a Barrier. Shepard glanced at him and nodded, ignoring the bullets that ricocheted off the glowing blue field, and pride flared in Kaidan’s gut. Shepard dropped to his knee again, pulled up his sniper rifle and calmly said, “Drop the Barrier”. Kaidan did, and Shepard took out the final geth.

They jogged down the hill toward Williams, who grinned at their approach. “Nice shooting, Commander,” she said to Shepard.

“If you’re on my team, you follow my orders,” Shepard said; his voice was even but the tone was cold. “I admire initiative but not recklessness. Wait for my order to push forward next time.”

“Aye aye, sir,” Williams said, and Kaidan caught her frown before she turned away.

That frown still lingered hours later when Williams emerged from the medbay where Shepard and Anderson were talking. She went to sit at the mess table, head in hands, the picture of misery. Kaidan had known the woman all of a few hours and he was pretty great at causing offence without meaning to, but he still walked across from the malfunctioning console and sat without a word, waiting for her to speak.

“He hates me,” Williams said to the dented table top.

“Did he say that?” Kaidan asked, rational like always.

“Not in words,” Williams said, and finally looked up. “What he _said_ was that I shouldn’t worry about it, that _he’s_ fine and _I’m_ fine and everything’s _fine_.”

“That sounds…um, I don’t hear where he hates you,” Kaidan offered.

Williams snorted. “Sure, if you believe what he _said_. I screwed up royally back there, and I know he thinks the same.”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan said, scratching his jaw. “I mean, I haven’t known the commander very long but it seems like he usually says what he means.”

Williams studied him for a moment, then a smile flashed across her mouth. “You’re cute, LT. Thanks for trying to cheer me up.”

Kaidan shifted in his seat, but he smiled back. “Really I just wanted to find out what happened in there.”

Williams laughed and sat back in her seat, some of the tension leaving her shoulders. “Doctor Chakwas gave him a clean bill of health, doesn’t look like the beacon did him any harm. Hard to say for sure, though; does he always look that stern?”

“I guess,” Kaidan shrugged. “I can’t say I’ve really studied him that closely.”

_Liar._

“Oh, hey, I meant to say – sorry your buddy died on the mission,” Williams said, and she sounded genuine. “It sucks to lose people in your squad.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan said, kicking himself internally. “I should have…I’m sorry for your loss, too.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, I guess the awkward mutual pep talk part of the evening is over, so I should see if I can get that inversion loop error fixed,” Kaidan said, standing.

“Pfft. Nerd,” Williams said, but there was no sting in it.

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed affably. “Hey, um, have you been assigned a sleep pod yet?”

“Is that an offer?” Williams asked as she stood, eyes twinkling with her grin. She laughed at Kaidan’s surprise, and said, “Yeah, the doc pointed me in the right direction.”

“Good. Great,” Kaidan said, shuffling on the spot. “Well, uh…g’night, I guess.”

“See you, LT,” Williams said, walking off with a sway in her step. Glancing back over her shoulder with a smile she called, “Sweet dreams.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said under his breath, shaking his head as if to clear it. Williams was attractive, no doubt, strong and striking and capable. But he couldn’t afford to let anything mess up this tour for him; being on the _Normandy_ with legends like Shepard and Anderson was too good an opportunity to ruin.

And besides, his attention had already been caught elsewhere.

“Is Williams alright?” said a voice behind him, and Kaidan jumped as Shepard walked around the table to stand opposite him.

“Oh…um, yeah,” Kaidan said, his heart thudding in his chest. He knew he was blushing and felt like an idiot, but Shepard was calmly looking in the direction Williams had gone. “She just feels bad about what happened. With the beacon, I mean.”

“She couldn’t have known what would happen,” Shepard said, folding his arms as his gaze came back to Kaidan.

“No. But I get the feeling she doesn’t like making mistakes,” Kaidan said. He fought the urge to look away from the dark intensity of Shepard’s almond-shaped eyes, tried not to notice how the low lights gleamed blue in his neatly-tied black hair.

“Mistakes are a necessary part of learning,” Shepard shrugged, oblivious to Kaidan’s internal battle, “but I know how she feels.” He was still looking at Kaidan; it was like being pinned under fire, somehow. “How are _you_ holding up, Lieutenant? Losing Jenkins must have been tough on you; I’m sorry I couldn’t bring him back alive.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. “There wasn’t anything you could have done. Being a soldier means knowing you could die any time, we all understand that when we sign up. But…yeah, it’s tough. He was so young.”

“I’ll make sure he has a proper military funeral,” Shepard said.

“His family will appreciate that, sir,” Kaidan said.

Shepard nodded. “You should know that I’m impressed with how well you stayed focused on the mission despite everything.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan said, a glow sparking in his chest. “And, uh…I’m glad to see you’re okay. Uh, that is, um, _we_ – we’re _all_ glad you’re okay.”

“Thank you,” Shepard said, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

“So, uh, how do you think the Citadel Council will react?” Kaidan asked quickly, rubbing the back of his neck, desperate to change the subject. “One Spectre killing another, Alliance personnel there to witness it…think they’ll use it to leverage more concessions?”

Shepard looked back steadily for a moment. “It’s possible,” he said eventually. “To be honest, I try to stay out of politics. I’m a soldier, first and foremost, and that’s what I’m good at.”

“Yeah, I can understand that,” Kaidan said. “I’m a career man myself. My father served and I think honestly I’m still trying to make him proud.”

Shepard’s face turned stony and Kaidan could have kicked himself, embarrassment rushing over him in a wave. Everyone knew Shepard’s father had been Alliance, had knocked up his mother on shore leave and then left; he’d heard snide comments about it more than once from officers who Shepard had rubbed the wrong way.

“ETA at the Citadel is 1800 hours,” Shepard said, already walking away. “Make yourself ready to go ashore.”

“Aye aye, Commander,” Kaidan said, lifting his chin and trying to ignore the burning in his cheeks.

* * *

 

_SHEPARD_

_I stood up as straight as I could in front of the admiral’s desk, my shoulders set rigid and unyielding; sixteen years old and desperate to be seen as a man. I was thankful that the Alliance had brought me somewhere safe away from the carnage on Mindoir, provided medical treatment and a bed and food, but I couldn’t let myself appear weak. So I pulled myself up a little straighter, a little taller, ignoring the ache in my shoulder and my head and my heart._

_The admiral, Hackett, was watching me; sizing me up. Eventually he leaned forward, elbows on his desk, and said, “Dr Henriks tells me you’re healing up nicely. How are you feeling?”_

_“Fine, sir, thank you.”_

_Hackett smiled, weary. “She said you were, ah, tight-lipped. Nothing wrong with that, it’s a quality I can admire.” He reached into his desk drawer and pulled something out, a metallic glint in his hand. “Look, I didn’t just call you in to ask about your injuries. I have something here that belongs to you.” Then he stood, held out his hand._

_I stepped closer, my stomach running cold, thinking he had some jewellery that belonged to my mother. But in his palm sat a pair of dog tags, the silver ball-chain curled around his fingers._

_Bile swam up in my throat. “Those are…”_

_“Your father’s,” Hackett said. “Lieutenant Commander Matthew Joseph Shepard. He was one of the patrol that responded to the attack on Mindoir – requested the mission, in fact. He died a hero, and as his only next of kin these belong to you now, son.”_

_“I am not your son, or his,” I spat back. I missed my mother so profoundly in that moment, would have given everything for her arms around me, her strength holding me up._

_Hackett just nodded and returned the tags to the drawer. “I understand,” he said. “I know you have no reason to give a damn about him, but I do believe he cared about you and your mother.”_

_I clenched my jaw, breathed deeply against the urge to vomit._

_“He may have been an absent father but he was a good soldier, and his father before him,” Hackett said, sitting back in his leather chair. “I believe your grandfather had a military background too, back on Earth?”_

_I nodded; a flashback hit me of sitting on Ojiisan’s lap one sunny day in the small garden behind our house. He was showing me his sword, curved and glittering, a true samurai katana engraved with the kanji for the Ways of Bushido. It was beautiful, breathtaking, and I remembered wanting to be a soldier more than anything in my young life._

_“Have you ever thought about joining up?” Hackett asked. “Considering your age you showed remarkable courage back there on Mindoir, and clearly you come from a strong military lineage. “_

_“I am not like my father, and have no wish to be,” I said, scrubbing away furious tears, pretending my voice hadn’t broken on my words. “I will never follow in his footsteps.”_


	2. TWO

KAIDAN

Kaidan picked up his tray of rations and headed for the mess table, steering away from Pressley and Adams to sit beside Joker. His head was aching and he was pretty sure there was a migraine in his near future, but he was hoping that a decent meal and a nap would stop it from developing.

The pilot glanced up from the greyish mush he was pushing around his plate. “That seat’s taken,” he said.

“We’ve been through this before – your ego doesn’t need its own seat,” Kaidan replied, sitting.

Joker’s lips twitched before he ducked his head again. “The VI chef is on form again tonight,” he said. “I think these were once potatoes but who the hell can say for sure.”

“If it’s hot and filling, it’s good enough for me,” Kaidan said, shovelling a forkful into his mouth.

Joker rolled his eyes and sat back in his seat. “Always the optimist, huh? Sickening. I bet you always say the glass is half full, right?”

“Actually, I’d say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be,” Kaidan said with a grin.

Joker snorted. “Yeah. Figures.” He leaned forward, elbows on the table. “So tell me – were the dancers at Chora’s Den as sexy in real life as they are in my imagination?”

“I don’t even want to consider what’s in _your_ imagination,” Kaidan said, loading up his fork with reconstituted beef chunks. “And honestly, I didn’t really pay that much attention.”

“Oh _reeeally_?” Joker drawled. “Only Ash told me you almost tripped over your tongue the second you walked in there.”

Kaidan’s ears grew hot and he could feel a flush creeping up his throat. “Well, y’know…I guess they were pretty attractive…but I was mainly focused on the mission.”

“Shepard’s not here, you can drop the good little soldier bit,” Joker stage-whispered with a grin.

Kaidan didn’t reply, just took another bite of his dinner.

“What do you make of him?” Joker asked, tilting his head. “Shepard, I mean.”

“Professionally or personally?”

“Either. Both. Let’s go with personally.”

“He’s a pretty closed book, to be honest,” Kaidan said. “Doesn’t give much away. I get the impression he’s straightforward, says what he thinks…other than that, I honestly couldn’t say.”

“Yeah,” Joker nodded. “A stoic asshole, like every good commander.” He caught Kaidan’s frown and said, “Oh, I’m not using ‘asshole’ as an insult – I actually kinda like the guy. But you know about his reputation, right? That whole ‘Butcher of Torfan’ thing?”

“I don’t give much credence to rumours like that,” Kaidan said, aware that he sounded high-handed and pompous; unsure why he felt such a strong urge to defend Shepard. “Professionally speaking, I think he’s one of the most capable commanding officers I’ve ever served under.”

“Yeah? How is he in a fight?” Joker asked.

Kaidan thought for a moment. “Decisive. Calm. He has an amazing grasp of battlefield tactics, he just gives orders without thinking and they’re always spot on. It’s like he has a sixth sense or something…and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anyone more accurate with a rifle,” Kaidan said honestly.

“Huh,” Joker said, eyes narrowing. “Sounds like you have a little professional boner for the commander there, Alenko.”

“Shut up, Joker,” Kaidan said, irritation flaring. “You asked, I answered.”

“Alright, calm down,” Joker chuckled, holding up his hands.

The elevator doors whooshed open and the turian they’d recruited on the Citadel walked over to the medbay, glancing in their direction as he went.

“How do you feel about having him onboard?” Joker asked, nodding in the turian’s direction.

“Who, Garrus? Fine,” Kaidan shrugged. “He’s on the same page as us about Saren and he can hold his own in a fight, plus Shepard trusts him. That’s good enough for me. Why, how do _you_ feel?”

“So long as he leaves me alone to get on with what I do best, I don’t care either way,” Joker said. “Ash isn’t happy, though.”

“Oh really?” Kaidan asked.

“Got a big old chip on her shoulder about all ‘the alien freaks’ Shepard’s bringing along,” Joker said. “She’s not exactly thrilled that we’re on our way to Therum to pick up this Dr T’soni, either.”

“Well… she must have her reasons, I guess…” Kaidan said slowly.

“Does it ever get painful?” Joker asked.

“Does what ever get painful?”

“Walking around with that stick up your ass all day and night,” Joker said, rolling his eyes. “C’mon man, stop being such a goody two-shoes - say something mean about her, I dare you.”

“What? No,” Kaidan said, laughing just a little.

“Okay, fine – if not Ash then how about Anderson, or Shepard?” Joker persisted. “You can do it, Alenko, I believe in you…”

“Forget it,” Kaidan said, standing to clear his tray. He nodded at Joker’s plate and asked, “You done with that?”

Joker nodded and watched Kaidan clearing up, his smile just a shade mocking. “You’ll make someone a lovely little wife one day,” he said sardonically.

“So long as it’s not you,” Kaidan replied, grinning.

“No worries there,” Joker said, climbing painfully to his feet and starting the slow walk back to the cockpit. “I don’t think I could compete with Commander Capable even if I wanted to.”

Kaidan ignored the jibe, but Joker’s words stayed with him as he went to start his shift. He knew the pilot was just messing with him, pushing his buttons to get a reaction, but it made him feel a little unsettled. There was a grain of truth lurking behind Joker’s dumb comments, and Kaidan didn’t think he was anywhere near ready to face it.

* * *

_SHEPARD_

_I was hot and exhausted, dehydrated; my muscles screamed at me to stop, but I pushed on through the underground labyrinth. Behind me followed the remainder of my team, each in bad shape but following me anyway. I felt the burden of their loyalty heavy on my back and a measure of guilt at pushing them through their pain and grief. We had to take this base, the last stronghold of batarian resistance on Torfan, but we could have gone back to the surface and called for backup. Instead I led these wounded soldiers on, faster, harder, not letting them stop to breathe or mourn or think._

_The narrow tunnel turned and I saw light ahead; I held up a fist and my team stopped. I crept on ahead alone; beyond the tunnel was a chamber, stacked to the ceiling with crates and spare parts. There were around a dozen batarians milling around, checking weapons, making repairs, and several more laying on blankets on the ground. I couldn’t tell if they were sleeping or injured, but I didn’t care either way._

_I gestured for my team to follow and we stepped into the chamber, guns swinging smoothly up as I screamed at the enemy to freeze. The batarians turned to us, but only a few had weapons in their hands and they quickly dropped them. One of them raised his hands, urging the others to do the same; his speech was too fast, too garbled, but I caught the word ‘surrender’._

_Fire and ice surged through my veins. The last time I’d seen a batarian this close was on Mindoir, the patrol that passed me as I lay shielded by a dead body. My hands tightened on my gun and I clenched my jaw against the tirade of anger and pain that I yearned to unleash._

_Beside me, Lieutenant Ellis asked for my orders. I said through gritted teeth, “We take them in, let the admirals decide their fate.”_

_Then one of the batarians said, “Weak, like all humans.”_

_I turned to face him, and he smiled at me. Smiled, like he knew something I didn’t. Smiled, like he had the upper hand. Smiled, and said, “Mindoir taught us that.”_

_I didn’t know I’d fired until I heard the chatter of other guns beside me, and before I could think or shout or regret anything the batarians were all dead. My breath rattled inside my helmet, caught in my lungs and my throat. Lieutenant Ellis was looking at me like I was a monster, but Bradley and Oluloto were grinning, whooping._

_Nausea competed with shame as I stumbled back out to where I could get a radio signal. As soon as backup arrived I would turn myself in, do penance for the injustice I had unleashed. Whatever the punishment, I would bear it with dignity._

_But looking at myself in the mirror after this; that would be the hardest part._


	3. THREE

KAIDAN

“So what’s the verdict, Doctor?” Kaidan asked, hopping down from the medbay bed.

“Nothing concerning,” Dr Chakwas said, glancing over the scan readouts. “Your amp is functioning normally and your brainwave measurements are within acceptable parameters.” She straightened and turned to him, a chiding look in her eyes. “However, I’ve noticed that you’re not taking the double rations that you’re entitled to at every meal, Lieutenant.”

“I do some of the time,” Kaidan protested. “It just seems like a waste of a scarce resource when I’m not actually using my biotics in the field very often.”

Dr Chakwas folded her arms and leaned against her desk, pinning him with a direct look. “You sound a touch bitter about that.”

Kaidan sighed. “I can’t say I’m thrilled to have been left out of the shore party again, but I’ll get over it,” he said. “Commander Shepard picks the team he thinks best for the mission, and clearly I haven’t made a good enough impression yet.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Dr Chakwas said, one eyebrow rising.

“What do you mean?” Kaidan asked, frowning.

“That day he received the visions from the beacon, he came in here asking me about you,” Dr Chakwas said. “Wanted to know how well I knew you, and how the L2 implant affects you.”

“He did?” Kaidan asked, something hopeful lighting up inside him.

“He did,” Dr Chakwas said. “I suspect he left you behind today out of concern for your health rather than any doubts about your abilities. He didn’t seem to know very much about biotics, and I’m afraid I don’t know enough to set his mind at ease. Perhaps you could talk to him about it yourself?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan nodded. “That’s a good idea. Thanks, Doctor.”

“My pleasure,” she said with a smile.

Kaidan thought about her words as he assisted Adams with some routine maintenance down in Engineering, killing time until the shore party returned from Therum. It would be beneficial for both him and Shepard if they had a talk about his biotics, his limitations, his migraines; there was so much misinformation out there that many people had totally the wrong idea about how it all worked and exactly what biotics could do. He decided to find Shepard, take some time to talk about it.

And if it also happened to be the perfect excuse to talk to the commander alone, well, that was just a happy coincidence.

But when Shepard got back from Therum he had a weary, eager, beautiful asari on his arm who seemed determined to stay there for as long as possible. They disappeared into the medbay for a long time; Kaidan ate his evening meal with a scowling Ash, cleared their plates, began working on the faulty console by Shepard’s cabin, and still they didn’t emerge.

Eventually, as the night cycle was beginning and most of the crew were turning in, the medbay door opened and Shepard walked out. He carried himself straight and tall, like always, but Kaidan thought that there was a tension in his face, his shoulders, that wasn’t usually there.

Kaidan watched as subtly as he could while Shepard got a plate of food and sat, talking quietly with Pressley until the navigator got up and left him sitting alone. When Shepard glanced over at Kaidan he quickly looked down at the console, heart thudding. Then he hesitantly glanced over again and saw Shepard staring down at his half-empty plate. Kaidan took a deep breath, told himself that now wasn’t the time for a heart to heart, then walked over anyway.

“Hey, Commander,” he said as he approached.

Shepard looked up and nodded. “Lieutenant.” He looked even more weary close up, dark smudges under his eyes and his pale skin a little waxy. But his eyes were alight, vibrant, like his brain was on overdrive despite his body’s exhaustion. Kaidan recognised the look; he saw it in the mirror all the time.

“I was just going to grab a coffee,” Kaidan said. “Can I get you one?”

Shepard nodded, the briefest hint of a smile tugging his mouth up at one corner. “Sure,” he said. “Thanks.”

Kaidan didn’t know what the hell he was going to say, taking his time to pour the coffees and walk back to the table. He was still trying to figure out how to talk to Shepard, to get a feel for how the man thought and what drove him. But Shepard looked like he needed someone, and Kaidan found that he wanted it to be him.

Shepard pushed his plate aside when Kaidan sat opposite him, taking a mug of coffee. He lifted it to his nose and took a deep sniff, frowning. “This doesn’t smell like diesel fumes,” he said. “Something’s not right.”

Kaidan laughed. “Dr Chakwas smuggled some contraband on board,” he said. “She said if she couldn’t get a proper cup of tea she was going to make damn sure there was decent coffee available.”

Shepard smiled, some of the tension lifting. “Did she? Remind me to thank her.” He took a sip, quietly hummed his approval, then said, “She mentioned that you’d been in to see her earlier about a migraine, and that you wanted to talk to me about it.”

“Oh really? Um, well…I guess I thought you might have some questions for me – about my implant and the side effects, I mean, and my biotics. I want you to understand what I’m capable of – for the mission, that is,” he said, flushing.

Shepard didn’t seem to notice his embarrassment. “I’ve been doing a little research on the L2 and its complications,” he said, setting his mug down. “It’s good that you haven’t been hit with any of the more extreme symptoms.”

“Yeah, I’m lucky I just get headaches,” Kaidan said.

“I think they’re more than ‘just headaches’, Lieutenant,” Shepard said. He hesitated, then went on, “My mother used to get terrible migraines and they knocked her out for hours, even days.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kaidan said carefully; he’d never heard the commander mention his family before. “That must have been hard.”

“It was,” Shepard said, his gaze losing focus. “She tried to shield me from it but it was terrible to see her in so much pain.” Then he blinked and straightened in his seat, the softness in his eyes disappearing. “And I imagine your migraines must be even more severe, given their cause.”

“They vary, I guess,” Kaidan said, shrugging. “Some days they’re pretty bad but I’ve learned how to manage them, to spot the warning signs, and Dr Chakwas has the right meds on standby. You don’t need to worry that they’ll affect the mission, Commander; I promise you I’m fit for duty.”

“I know that, Dr Chakwas has made it very clear,” Shepard said, then paused. “Are you mentioning it because I left you out of the shore party?”

Kaidan cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, ignoring the way his cheeks burned. “No, Commander. I’m not questioning your orders or your judgement. It’s just that some officers I’ve worked under have been wary about my abilities, or worried that I might lose control in combat. I wouldn’t want you to think that way, that’s all.” He was rambling, saying too much, and he shut his mouth abruptly.

Shepard just looked at him, a slight frown creasing his brow. Then he said quietly, “That was never my concern, Lieutenant. I’ve read your file and I’ve seen you in action; you’re an excellent soldier and an asset to the team.”

“Oh,” Kaidan said. He felt winded suddenly, like when he’d been running shuttles in training or the time he took a round to the chest just as his shields failed.

“You stayed on the Normandy this time because when I was talking to you earlier I could see the tension around your eyes, like my mother used to get, and I didn’t want to push you,” Shepard said. “Your wellbeing is important to me. Every crew member’s is.”

“Thank you, Commander,” Kaidan said, turning his mug in his hands, unable to look at Shepard, afraid that his eyes would say too much.

Shepard drained his mug and stood. “I should go,” he said, “I’m a little tired.” He walked around the table and stopped beside Kaidan, pausing for a moment before laying a hand on his shoulder. “Get some rest too, Lieutenant. That’s an order.”

“Aye, aye, sir,” Kaidan said.

Even after Shepard was gone and his door was closed between them, Kaidan could still feel the ghost warmth of that hand on him. It seemed like Shepard had let him in a little, past the stern and stoic image. It felt good to be trusted, valued, even though he was under no illusions that Shepard felt anything for him or had even noticed his burgeoning schoolboy crush. The fact that he’d talked about his mother though, even in passing, seemed like a big deal to Kaidan, and he tried not to overthink it even as hope flared bright in his heart.

* * *

_SHEPARD_

_It was a hot day, sultry and humid. One of our neighbours had switched on his sprinklers, using his precious water ration to give the colony kids a little fun. I told myself that at thirteen I was too old, even as I sat on our porch beside my mother and watched enviously. But then Malachi came over, my best friend, and asked me to come with him. So I did._

_The water was warm on our skin, diamond droplets sparkling in the sky, scattering rainbows in our hair. All around us the other colony children were laughing, shouting, running, free from school and chores and responsibility._

_I was running too, my bare feet slipping in the muddy sludge we were creating. Mal caught hold of me, spinning me around, sending us both tumbling to the ground. He was on top of me, laughing; I felt it rumbling in my chest until he propped himself up on straight arms, his hips still pressed to mine._

_I could never have put a name to the way I felt in that moment. My skin was too tight; I was painfully aware of my body, and his; my lungs had stopped working, my heart had forgotten its rhythm. A drop of water ran down one of his pale golden curls, falling to land right between my eyes, and I laughed and raised a hand to push his hair back from his brow._

_A shadow fell over us and I squinted up at my grandfather’s silhouette. “Enough,” he said, firm, brusque._

_Mal stood, helped me stand too, and I went into the house without a word._

_My mother followed us inside, saying, “Come on, Otōsan, Hikkun was just playing. He’s a child; it’s what children do.” Her tone was exasperated, weary, like this was an argument they’d had many times before, only maybe not exactly._

_“He is almost a man,” Ojiisan said, turning to face me. He leaned down to be on my level, only he didn’t have to bend so far as he used to. “Listen to me, Boku – your body is yours and only yours. Everything it feels, everything it tells you, is a message just for you. Letting someone touch you, however casually, creates a bond that must not be taken lightly; do not be too eager to give away pieces of yourself to anyone who asks._ Wakarimasu-ka?”

“Hai,” _I muttered_ , “wakarimasu,” _even though it wasn’t true; I didn’t understand, not even a little._

_“Good,” Ojiisan said with a short sharp nod of approval, straightening._

_I wanted to be a man, behave like one and not a child, but the words burst out anyway. “But all the other children play that way,” I said, whiny even to my own ears. “They’ll think I’m weird if I don’t join in.” I kicked at the floor with my bare toes, thinking but not saying that weird was one of the kindest things they called me._

_“And?” my grandfather said, crisp and cold. “Just because they_ choose _to behave that way, it does not mean that they_ should. _A true man holds himself to the highest standards of behaviour, whatever the actions of those around him. You must always know what is right and hold firm to it, and if you are cast out by the ignorant for it then still you have the higher ground. Never debase yourself for the sake of cheap acceptance – do not be a disappointment to me.”_

_“Alright, Otōsan, he understands,” my mother said gently, laying a hand on my trembling shoulder._

_Ojiisan nodded and left, his limp worse than usual in the humidity._

_My mother knelt beside me, looking at me so intently I turned my face away in shame. “Ojiisan didn’t mean to be harsh with you,” she said, soft and calm. “He means well but…his father was very rigid and cold, and I think he forgets sometimes that he doesn’t have to be the same way.”_

“Hai, _Okāsama,” I said. “Thank you.”_

_Her smile was sweet and pained. “So formal with me, Hikkun,” she murmured, brushing a lock of hair from my forehead. “You don’t have to be. You’re safe with me, always.”_

_I didn’t mean to cry but I did anyway, and even though I was almost fourteen I still crawled onto her lap when she knelt on the floor beside me, letting her rock me and soothe me and stroke my hair. She was murmuring to me in Japanese, though we mostly spoke the English of the Alliance to fit in with the other families here; I didn’t know all the words but I recognised enough to know she was calling me precious, special, her favourite person in the universe. I clutched at the words, drawing them into me, using them to build a wall against the creeping feeling that all I’d ever be was a disappointment._


	4. FOUR

Kaidan was getting antsy, along with most of the rest of the crew; Shepard, Garrus and Liara had been gone a long time, disappearing into the blizzard towards Peak 15, and the waiting was getting to everyone. The bitter wind buffeted the Normandy so hard it occasionally rocked in its mooring, and Kaidan could swear that the sharp Noverian cold was beginning to seep into the ship. 

He’d done all his critical jobs and in desperation had gone back to the faulty console outside Shepard’s cabin; when his back started aching and his eyes went blurry, he wandered up to the cockpit looking for a distraction. To his surprise Ash was already tucked into the co-pilot’s chair, a mug clutched in her hands. He saw that Joker had called up the shore party’s hardsuit tracker, little blue bars indicating that all three had full shields. 

“Hey, LT,” said Ash when she noticed him. “Come join the party.” 

“Don’t press any buttons, though,” Joker said, as though Kaidan hadn’t sat alongside him dozens of times. “I know you get distracted by blinking lights and shiny things.” 

“I’ll try to restrain myself,” Kaidan said dryly, walking up behind Joker’s chair to lean his elbows on the headrest. “You’re watching their hardsuit signatures?” 

“Yeah,” Ash said, sniffing. “If I can’t actually be down there, I may as well watch what’s happening from up here.” 

“Williams is a little sore about being left behind,” Joker whispered loudly out of the corner of his mouth. “Don’t get her started.” 

“Screw you,” Ash said, but without venom. “I just don’t like being stuck here on the bench, that’s all.” 

“Yeah, I wonder what _that’s_ like,” Joker said sarcastically. 

“That’s different,” Ash said, sitting forward, voice rising. “You’re not combat-trained, and you’re needed up here in case we have to book it quickly. I, on the other hand, am fully trained and can kick _anything’s_ ass. I shouldn’t be sitting around back here just so Shepard’s little girlfriend can go trailing around after him planetside.” 

“Ooh, burn!” Joker chuckled. 

“That’s not how it is,” Kaidan said, frowning. “Liara’s mother is up there, it makes sense for her to be in the shore party.” 

“Maybe,” Ash conceded grudgingly. “So how come Garrus has a free pass then? I mean, come on, LT – it must make you pissed too, being left out while he’s gone on every single mission so far?” 

“Garrus is highly skilled,” Kaidan said, refusing to be drawn even though yes, actually, it did suck to be left behind _again_ while Garrus went with Shepard _again_. “Shepard picks whoever’s best for the mission, he’s not playing favourites.” 

“Yeah, mighta known you’d be a good little teacher’s pet,” Ash said sourly, slumping back in her seat. 

“Alright you two, don’t make me turn this ship around,” Joker said, still chuckling. He glanced over at Ash and asked, “You really think there’s something going on with the commander and Liara?” 

Kaidan went very still, trying to look nonchalant as he waited for her response. 

“Could be,” she shrugged. “She certainly looks at him like she wants to climb his bones, and guys seem to go loopy over the idea of getting some blue tail.” 

“She shows a lot of interest in him, yeah,” Kaidan said carefully. “But I’ve never seen him be anything except polite with her.” 

“Watching closely, are we?” Joker asked, swivelling his chair and making Kaidan stumble. “Looking for a little blue tail ourselves?” 

“No,” Kaidan said, and he knew his face was flaming. Still, if they thought he was interested in Liara it might hide the fact that it was Shepard he couldn’t stop watching. 

Ash rolled her eyes. “Typical.” 

Kaidan was about to protest when the comms system crackled into life and Shepard’s voice filled the cockpit. _“…you read? Normandy, do y…”_

“I read you, Commander,” Joker said, fingers dancing over the controls as he tried to clean up the frequency. “You’re breaking up, though.” 

_“We’re heading back now.”_ Shepard’s voice was fuzzy, indistinct, but Kaidan caught a note of fatigue in it. _“Notify Chakwas to be on stan……a round to the thigh, nothing serious but...”_

“Didn’t quite catch that, Commander,” Joker said. “But I’ll let the doc know you’re coming.” 

_“ETA twen……for Liara too, we had to kill Benez……shaken up, and……ran into some rachni.”_

“Did he say rachni?” Ash said, eyes bright with curiosity. “I thought those freaks got wiped out.” 

“Roger the ETA, Commander, you’re breaking up too much to get the rest,” Joker said over the comms link. 

_“Roger that. Announce an all-staff briefing after the evening meal...ore party out.”_

“Did he say something about having to kill Benezia?” Kaidan asked, a pang of sympathy spearing his chest. “Man, that had to have been hard on Liara.” 

“Oh, here we go,” Ash said, rolling her eyes again as she stood. “Wanna get to the head of the queue to comfort her, LT?” 

“It’s not like that,” Kaidan replied hotly, “just basic human compassion.” 

“But she’s not human, is she?” Ash retorted, slamming his shoulder with hers as she stalked past him. 

Joker whistled, already beginning the system protocols to prepare for take-off. “You might wanna keep out of her way for the next couple of hours,” he said. 

“She sure has a bee in her bonnet about Liara,” Kaidan said. 

“Yeah, I think she’s a little pissed at not having the commander’s undivided attention,” Joker said wryly. “Not that he seems that interested in either of them.” 

“Hmm,” Kaidan said noncommittally, hoping Joker was right. “I’m going to head down to Engineering, see if they could use a hand with the pre-flight routines.” 

“Later,” Joker said absently, opening the internal comms to alert Chakwas. 

Kaidan thought about it all the way down in the elevator; about Liara’s interest in Shepard, and Ash’s ill-feeling towards Liara and Garrus, and his own feelings about being left out for this mission. Logically, he could see that Shepard had picked a strong shore party; Garrus was a capable technician, and if he was a little less skilled than Kaidan he was also a little better in a firefight. Liara’s biotics were superior to his, in terms of control if not brute strength, and she complemented both Shepard and Garrus’s weak spots. 

The trouble was, logic had nothing to do with the frustration and disappointment that soured his belly at being left behind. He’d joined up to fight, to serve, to be useful; moping around the Normandy didn’t fit the bill on any front. 

And then there was that edginess that came from not being there with Shepard, from waving him off to face the enemy without being around to watch his back. It wasn’t that he thought he was a better soldier than the others; it was that he didn’t like trusting Shepard’s safety into anyone else’s hands. 

“Get a grip, Alenko,” he muttered to himself as he headed into the Engineering bay. 

If only it were that simple. 

* 

The briefing was hard on everyone. Shepard looked exhausted, his face pale and pinched with fatigue, while Garrus was slouching against the wall and in the worst mood Kaidan had ever seen. Liara was there too, despite everything, her arms wrapped around her ribs and looking so lost, so anchorless, that it made Kaidan’s chest ache for her. 

Shepard told the crew about the rachni and his decision to spare the Queen, then said that he was open to hearing their thoughts on it. Several people voiced concern, anger, fear about Shepard’s actions; Garrus stood up straighter, unconsciously moving in front of Shepard as if to shield him as he told them all in no uncertain terms that the commander had done the right thing. A few others spoke up in Shepard’s defence, prompting heated debates to break out all over the room. Kaidan just watched, unease growing in his belly, only stepping in to pull two of his crewmates apart when it all began to get ugly. 

That was when Shepard stood in the middle of them all, rage constricting his features like Kaidan had never seen before, and bellowed, “Enough!” 

Silence fell immediately; the commander had never raised his voice before, had never needed to. 

“I know you won’t all agree with my decision, and that’s your prerogative,” Shepard said, cold and hard as a Noverian snowstorm. “But I did what I believed to be the right thing, which is all that can be asked of any man. Genocide can never be the right decision in any context or situation, and any universe where it is, is a universe I don’t want to live in.” He paused, took a breath, looked around at his crew. “I welcome any of you to challenge my orders at any time; I am responsible to all of you, just as you are all responsible to me. But I am the commanding officer on this ship and I will not have my crew behaving like the mob at a public execution. Is that clear?” 

Kaidan joined in the chorus of, “Aye, Commander,” that rang around the room, and couldn’t help seeking out Ash in the crowd. She said the words, but her eyes were flat and hard. Kaidan felt a little sick, adrenalin and shock swirling through him. 

Shepard was more in control now, standing straight and tall, his face a mask of neutrality. “The mission debrief is over. I’d appreciate you giving Liara and Garrus some time to recover; if you have any questions, come and find me. Crew dismissed.” 

*

Later, a couple of hours into the sleep cycle when the ship was dark and quiet, Kaidan went to grab a last cup of tea before crawling into a sleeper pod. 

The mess was deserted except for Shepard and Dr Chakwas, standing by the drinks machine with their backs to Kaidan. He stopped dead as soon as he saw them, frozen while he waited to see if they’d heard him. Their heads were bent close together, then the doctor raised one hand to rest on Shepard’s arm for a moment before turning and walking away. 

He watched Shepard standing there alone, not sure whether to join him or leave him in peace. Shepard didn’t move, head bowed, shoulders slumped; his dark hair was loose, gleaming in the low light, the first time Kaidan had seen it out of its usual topknot. It was an incongruous detail, but it made Shepard look vulnerable in a way that didn’t make any sense. It was that detail which prompted Kaidan to approach him. 

Shepard heard Kaidan coming; his spine stiffened, his shoulders straightened, and when he turned he looked as calm and unruffled as he always did. “Lieutenant,” he said, nodding to Kaidan, and walked past him towards his cabin. 

Kaidan opened his mouth but nothing came out; he watched Shepard walking away, his heart suddenly hammering. Shepard was almost at his door before Kaidan finally said, “Commander, wait.” 

Shepard stopped and turned, wary. “Yes?” 

Kaidan paused, swallowed, then took a couple of steps closer. “I just wanted to say…actually, I don’t really know what I wanted to say.” 

Shepard’s face relaxed just a fraction. “I see.” 

“It’s just…” Kaidan sighed, tried again. “About the rachni, the Queen, I mean…I think you did the right thing.” 

“Thank you,” Shepard said evenly, nodding. “I appreciate that.” When Kaidan didn’t move, he asked, “Was there something else, Lieutenant?” 

“No…yes,” Kaidan said, knowing that a flush was spreading but unable to stop it. “I liked what you said, at the briefing – about not wanting to live in a universe where genocide is ever the answer. I guess I was just thinking that any commander who thought differently would be someone I could never follow, or respect. If that means anything to you,” he finished, looking away as embarrassment seeped through him in a wave of heat. 

“It does,” Shepard said, quiet but intense, and there was a spark in his eyes that Kaidan felt in his bones. “Thank you, Kaidan.” 

Kaidan just nodded, not sure he could trust his voice. When Shepard turned and walked away, it was the hardest thing he’d ever done to let him leave. 

* * *

_SHEPARD_

_The breeze blew fresh and fragrant, bringing the scent of bio-engineered lavender to my nose. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, enjoying the simple pleasure of the suns’ warmth on my face._

_Beside me on the rough woollen rug, Mal was lying on his back with his arms folded behind his head. “I do love a Colonisation Day picnic,” he drawled, eyes closed, one foot crossed over the other. “No school, no farm, no chores, no heavy labour…no need for me to be anything but me.”_

_“Mm,” I agreed, watching the laughing McGregor twins run past with little Talitha Edwards trailing after them, her doll clutched in her hand. The lavender field was dotted with families sitting and eating, chatting, enjoying a rare day off from the cycle of hard work that comprised life on Mindoir. It was good to have a break in the routine, the monotony, but unlike Mal I felt chained, somehow; too many people watching everyone else, eyes gleaming, digging for gossip like a varren gnawing at a corpse. Mrs McGregor, Call-Me-Janet, was looking over at me and Mal, her smile knowing and patronising and smug. I looked away, suddenly furious. There was nothing for her to know but she thought there was, and the fact that I wished she were right added to my anger._

_Mal opened one eye, squinting up at me. “What’s chewing on you? This is meant to be a happy day, remember?”_

_“Too many people,” I shrugged, picking an ear of lavender apart and sniffing my perfumed fingers._

_“Yeah, a whole galaxy full,” Mal said, propping himself on his elbows. His grin showed that he knew what I meant, that he thought I was crazy; that he liked me anyway. “Well,” he said, fingers dipping under the hem of his shirt to scratch his belly, “we can go for a walk, if you like?”_

_“Yes,” I said, already moving._

_We walked under the canopy of the_ _trees, where it was dappled and cool and blissfully peaceful. We talked, and laughed, shoved each other playfully when the banter got too pointed._

_When my foot snagged on a root and Mal caught me, I looked up at his blue eyes so close to mine and my heartbeat became a drumming in my ears, a throbbing in my throat. His hands were on my waist; mine rested on his shoulders. I wasn’t sure if he was moving closer or if I was leaning in, but it seemed like it was destined either way._

_“Hiroshi,” said a voice nearby, stern and commanding._

_“Ojiisan!” I said, almost pushing Mal away in my panic. My guts were filled with ice, like the look on my grandfather’s face._

_“Go home,” he said to me, not even glancing at Mal._

_“But I wanted to - ”_

_“Go home,” he said again, harder, sharper. So I went._

_He walked beside me in silence. I felt sick, ashamed, anxious; but I also wanted to protest, to argue, to ask exactly what he thought I’d done wrong._

_At home, with the door closed and privacy restored, Ojiisan turned to me with a softer expression than I was expecting. “Listen to me, Boku, and listen well. I know that you and Malachi have grown close, and it is not shameful to have feelings for another boy, another man; it happens to many of us as we grow and discover who we are. But if you choose to act on those feelings, you must do it well away from your family and your community. When you are old enough to go off-world you are free to take a shuttle to Illium, find partners there to satisfy your longings. Here, on Mindoir, you must keep those feelings locked away tightly. When you are old enough you will marry, have children. That is the right way, the only way.”_

_I was burning with embarrassment, with the urge to argue back. “But Doug and Michael Freeman are married,” I pointed out, “and everyone knows that Amit’s father has been seeing that man from the Alliance science team.”_

_“Yes,” Ojiisan said, rigid with disapproval. “Just because they are doing these things, it does not mean that they_ should. _You and I, Boku, must hold ourselves to a higher standard. We know what is right, and we hold to it. You are 15 years old; it is time to start acting like a man.”_

_“But…if it’s not shameful to feel those things, why should it be hidden away?” I asked._

_He took my curiosity for insubordination. “Enough,” he said, his voice like steel and stone. “You will not see Malachi alone again, and you will not return to the picnic or the fireworks this evening.”_

_I didn’t protest, knowing it would be futile, as he walked me to his tool shed and told me to sort and clean the bolts and nuts and screws in his scrap metal bin. It was a pointless job, demeaning, meant to show me my place. But it also gave me time alone in the quiet dimness, watching the dust dance in the sunbeams and breathing in the scent of oil and wheat and dirt. When I raised my hand to my nose I could still smell the faint traces of lavender, and just like that I saw Mal again in my mind’s eye, smiling and radiant in the sun. My heart juddered in my chest and something a lot like grief made me bow my head and weep._  



	5. FIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter, and also pretty angsty so be warned...

KAIDAN

They were at the Citadel for system upgrades and to tie up some loose ends from Shepard’s continual efforts to serve everyone, help everyone, no matter that he was running himself into the ground doing it. Garrus had asked him why he said yes to every sob story, every refugee, every plea for help. Shepard had answered, “Because I’m able to”, and Kaidan’s heart had tumbled a little further into his commander’s hands.

So it was no surprise when, in the middle of browsing for weapons mods at Delan’s Emporium, Shepard stepped aside to take a call and came back to tell Kaidan and Ash that they were needed in the docking bays.

“What’s the deal?” Ash asked on the way down in the elevator.

“A lieutenant named Girard has asked for my help,” Shepard said. “There’s a woman down there with a gun who appears to be unstable. Girard is concerned she may be a danger.”

“To herself or to his team?” Kaidan asked.

“Both,” Shepard replied.

“And why exactly is he calling on you to deal with this?” Ash asked, her attention focused on tightening one of the catches on her hardsuit. “You’re not a counsellor, what does he think you can do?”

“She claims to be a survivor from Mindoir,” Shepard said evenly. “Lieutenant Girard feels I may be able to connect with her.”

“Oh. Right,” Ash said, a little pale. “I’m sorry, Commander…I didn’t realise.”

“No way you could have, Chief,” Shepard said as the doors slid open.

A relieved-looking officer greeted them, pointing to a stack of shipping containers. “She’s back there, Commander. I’ve got a sniper positioned, but I don’t think we’ll need him. She’s only a danger to herself. We’ve got a sedative to calm her down, but we can’t get close to her. Every step we take gets her more wound up.”

“I hope I don’t need it,” Shepard said, taking the sedative from him. “Tell your men to stand by.” He turned to Kaidan and Ash and said, “I want you two positioned where you can see us, but she can’t see you.”

“Got it,” Ash said, and she and Kaidan headed around the opposite side of the containers to the way Shepard had gone.

They crouched in cover and slowly leaned out; Kaidan’s heart was thumping and he had to consciously relax his grip on his gun. He could see a thin woman with dark close-cropped hair prowling around like a caged animal, her eyes haggard, muttering to herself. When Shepard came into view she jerked the gun up to point at his face; Kaidan’s stomach clenched but Shepard didn’t even flinch.

“Stop!” the woman shrieked. “What do you…what are you?”

Shepard spoke softly to her, so softly Kaidan couldn’t hear his words. The woman was agitated, jumpy, but Shepard gently persisted.

“I wish I could hear what they were saying,” Ash murmured.

“Whatever it is, it’s working,” Kaidan said, watching in wonder as the woman’s movements smoothed out, her face beginning to clear. But then, out of nowhere, she began pacing again, lost in her memories.

“There’s…she sees them,” she moaned, her voice rising, carrying. “They’re yelling. _Run. Hide_. They hit the masters. But the masters, they have lights and hoses. Daddy’s…he’s melting.” The woman started sobbing, hiding her face. “She doesn’t want to see that! Don’t make her look. Don’t look! Stupid, stupid!”

“I don’t want to hear that!” Shepard’s voice rang with authority. “You survived 13 years in a slave pen. You’re strong enough to deal with a memory.”

“She’s not strong. She’s weak and stupid. All humans are.” The woman’s voice quietened again as she went on muttering, sobs wracking her frail body.

“Poor kid,” Kaidan said, pity rising up in him.

“Those batarian bastards,” Ash spat.

Shepard was talking to the woman, his voice pitched low and steady, and listening calmly to her responses. Gradually she began to relax, the edginess receding, the tears petering out. After a while Shepard slowly raised a hand, waited for her nod, then stepped forward. The woman watched him warily, her head tilting sideways like a bird’s, but she let him come.

“Shit, he’s good,” Ash breathed. “Those idiots who call him a bludgeon should see him now.”

“Yeah, that ‘Butcher’ reputation sits pretty heavy on him,” Kaidan said.

“And he really doesn’t deserve it,” Ash added, and the admiration in it made his skin prickle.

Shepard took another step, and another, but suddenly the woman shouted, “No! She’s no good. Don’t want to be handled again!”

Shepard paused, waited. Kaidan watched, barely breathing, as the commander spoke again and raised his hand for her to hold.

“Please don’t touch her. She’s dirty,” the woman wailed, and Kaidan’s breath caught at the pain in her voice. “You’ll catch it!”

“Talitha, I have something to make you sleep,” Shepard said, loud enough that Kaidan could just catch his words. “If you fall asleep, they’ll take you to a place where you can get better.”

Talitha looked at Shepard for a long, long moment; then she nodded and let him give her the drug. “Will she have bad dreams?” she asked plaintively.

“I’m not going to lie to you - I just don’t know,” Shepard said, folding her thin body into his arms. “But dealing with this now is better than the darkness you’ve been living in. You are strong and brave, Talitha, and I promise you that you can do this. I won’t let you go through it alone.”

Talitha’s smile was wide and bright, and when her eyes slid closed and her body began to droop in Shepard’s grip, the others moved forward.

“Is it over, Commander?” Girard asked.

“She took the sedative. She wants to get better, Lieutenant,” Shepard said, handing her over gently to two of Girard’s men. He raised a hand to rub his forehead, wincing a little as though in pain. “Williams, could you go with her to the hospital? I want her to have someone there when she wakes up but I can’t…” He stopped and turned away, but Kaidan had already seen the strain on his face; he realised with a jolt that Shepard must have been reliving his own memories of losing his family as he listened to Talitha’s story.

“No problem, Commander,” Ash said gently.

“Do you, uh…do you want to talk about it, Commander?” Kaidan asked as Ash walked away.

Shepard turned to Kaidan. “No,” he said quietly. “But you asking me…it’s…I appreciate the offer.” He rested his hand briefly on Kaidan’s shoulder before walking away.

Kaidan didn’t know what to do with himself after that; he had too much pent-up energy coiling through his body to go back onboard or join the others at the Cineplex so he just walked instead, wandering aimlessly. The crowds ebbed and shifted around him, and he let them steer him past the stores and the restaurants, the lakes and the trees. Whether it was pure coincidence or his subconscious taking over, Kaidan ended up at the gates to the Mindoir memorial garden.

He’d never visited before, never felt the urge, but since he first met Shepard he’d read up a little more on the batarian raid there fourteen years before. The Alliance reports were stark in their logic and detail, the news reports filled with emotive hyperbole; somewhere in the middle lay the truth, but Kaidan knew he could never really understand it. When he thought about Shepard living through that, fighting back the only way he knew how, his heart swelled with something like pride, something like love. After seeing Talitha’s distress and the pain in Shepard’s eyes, it seemed fitting to make today his first visit to the memorial.

The garden was quiet, peaceful, with tinkling fountains and sculpted trees. Meandering paths wove around the blossom-studded shrubbery and Kaidan followed one at random around a corner. The first thing he saw was a stone memorial, tall and imposing, simple smooth faces covered in the names of the fallen. The second thing he saw was a man, silent and unmoving.

Shepard.

The commander looked up at the intrusion and Kaidan’s heart stuttered at the pain in his gaze. There were tear tracks on his face and Kaidan felt a wave of shame at interrupting such a sacred moment, knowingly or not, cursing himself for not realising Shepard might have come here.

But Shepard didn’t seem angry, didn’t tell him to leave. He just said Kaidan’s name, soft on the manufactured breeze, and Kaidan took a step forward.

“I didn’t know you were here, I would never have come if I had,” Kaidan blurted out, falling over his words in his rush to explain.

Shepard shook his head, cutting Kaidan off as effectively as if he’d spoken. “Don’t worry,” he said after a moment. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Kaidan took a breath, couldn’t breathe. “I…do you want…I mean, what can I…?”

“Just stand with me,” Shepard said. His face was a mask, neutral and calm, but his eyes blazed like lanterns at midnight.

Kaidan moved closer and turned to face the memorial, his shoulder just barely brushing Shepard’s. “I’ve never been here before,” he said, for something to say.

“Neither have I,” Shepard said. “I knew it would be painful and I…sometimes I’m not as strong as I wish I were.”

Kaidan frowned. “Shepard, I can’t even imagine how you could be any stronger,” he said honestly.

Shepard turned his head, the diffuse light catching blue-black highlights in his loose hair. “You don’t know me,” he said, but it wasn’t a rebuke, a rejection; it was plaintive and broken, and Kaidan only just restrained himself from touching the man.

“I know you enough,” Kaidan said. His voice was too raw, his meaning too loaded, and he wanted to bite back his words. But Shepard smiled then, like sun behind the clouds, and Kaidan felt a fierce relief that took him by surprise.

Shepard turned back to the wall, lifting his hand and tracing over some of the writing there. Kaidan watched his slim fingers touch the names _Aiko Takamori_ and _Hiroshi Takamori_. “My mother, and my grandfather,” he said quietly. “Okāsama and Ojiisan.”

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said.

Shepard nodded. “Thank you.” He sighed and dropped his hand.

“You were named after your grandfather?” Kaidan asked carefully.

“Yes. It was fitting since he raised me - him and my mother. Ojiisan was a wonderful man, a perfect role model. Everything I am, he enabled me to be. But he - ” Shepard stopped suddenly; he turned his back to the memorial and sat as though his legs had given way, his back propped against the stone column.

Kaidan sat beside him slowly, seeking permission. Shepard didn’t react, but Kaidan saw fresh tears glittering in his eyes. His heart ached for Shepard; the commander was so stoic, so immovable, that seeing his raw emotion felt like a privilege and a burden.

Shepard swallowed and pushed his hand through his unruly hair. “He thought he was doing the best for me, teaching me to be a good man. But so much of what he taught me just made me feel like a freak…broken, wrong in some way I couldn’t understand. Gaining his approval meant suppressing so much of myself, of what I felt and believed…in the end, I didn’t even know who I was. After he died, I went off the rails, rebelling against everything he tried to instil in me. I was a mess for a long time.”

“Growing up is tough anywhere, Shepard,” Kaidan said, trying to reach out. “I, uh…I was a student at the BAaT training camp with a bunch of other messed up teenagers, all trying to figure out who we were; miles from home, struggling with control of our biotics…I mean, I know it’s not the same, but I can sympathise with trying to cram yourself into a mould that doesn’t fit you.”

Shepard looked at him, settling his weight back, leaning against Kaidan’s shoulder just a touch more. “I saw that in your file,” he said, “but I didn’t like to ask about it. I assumed there were painful memories buried in between those lines on the report.”

“You’d know all about that,” Kaidan smiled. “Yeah, I…it was rough. And I…I did some things I’m not proud of…” He stopped, looked down.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Shepard said quietly.

“No, I…I’d like to,” Kaidan said. He took a deep breath. “One of the instructors was a turian named Vyrnnus. He liked to try to get a rise out of us every chance he got, and he was…brutal in his methods. A girl I cared about got hurt and he…he laughed about it. When I stood up, he stuck a knife in my face.”

Shepard was just watching him, steady and calm, but his shoulder pressed a little closer.

“To cut a long, painful story short, I…I killed him,” Kaidan said, the words carrying weight beyond themselves. “I’m not proud of it, but there it is.”

“Sometimes we do what we have to, not what we want to,” Shepard said. “As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, you can move on.”

“Yeah, that took a while,” Kaidan said, then huffed a frustrated breath. “Sorry, Shepard, you’re here grieving for your family and I’m hijacking it to talk about myself. I’ll leave you alone.”

Shepard reached out as Kaidan moved to stand, his fingers closing around Kaidan’s bare wrist. His touch echoed across Kaidan’s skin, sank into his bones. “Don’t,” Shepard said. His voice was hoarse, his eyes unfathomable. “It’s easier when you’re here.”

Kaidan just nodded, not trusting his voice, settling back on the grass as Shepard let go of him.

Shepard set his right hand on his right thigh, on the borderline of the gap between them; Kaidan placed his left hand on his own thigh, the back of his hand brushing Shepard’s. His breath quickened and he told himself it was crazy, that he was behaving like a teenager with a crush. But then Shepard wove their fingers together, and just like that everything made sense.

They didn’t say a word to each other, just sat looking out over the Presidium until the sun cycle began shifting to artificial sunset. They walked back to the Normandy together, not really talking much but not really needing to.

It was one of the best afternoons of Kaidan’s life.

* * *

_SHEPARD_

_I watched the sun setting over the wilderness from the flat roof of our farm’s prefab storage barn. My back leant up against the heat venting stack; it felt warm and rough through the thin fabric of my shirt. This was my quiet place, my thinking place, right on the edge of our property and sheltered from view unless someone was really looking._

_I swallowed with a dry mouth. My throat was tight and aching from holding down my anger, my chest burning with the urge to scream at the sky. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, closed my eyes and let my head drop forwards._

_A faint scrabbling sound reached me, someone climbing up the wall using the rope tied to a pylon on the roof. I smiled into the dark space between my body and my thighs, but I didn’t move. Footsteps approached me slowly, giving me time to prepare for the intruder in my space. I heard someone sit beside me, felt a body’s warmth against my left arm, then there came a sharp elbow in my side._

_“Wake up, princess,” said a familiar voice._

_I turned my head to see Mal watching me. My heart lurched at the blueness of his eyes._

_“Can’t get a minute’s peace without you following me, can I?” I said._

_“I can leave if you like,” Mal shrugged, scratching his knee through the blood-framed rip in his pants._

_“What happened?” I frowned, nodding at his knee._

_“Caleb,” he said._

_It was enough of an answer; Mal and his brother Caleb were always getting into fistfights over nothing much. They were too different while being too similar, both full of dreams of the universe beyond Mindoir but disagreeing on how to get there. Caleb wanted to be a Marine, was always trailing around after the Alliance soldiers posted in town; Mal wanted to be an artist and a writer, to make films and create art that unified the races, showed how similar we all are underneath the surface. He was a dreamer, an optimist. It was what I loved about him most of all._

_“You okay?” I asked._

_“Yup,” Mal nodded, and coughed. “So what brings you sulking up here this time?”_

_“Had a fight with my mother,” I said to the horizon._

_Mal waited a moment. “About?”_

_I swallowed around the burning coal in my throat. “I told her that I want to take her name, my grandfather’s name. I don’t want to be called Shepard; I don’t want anything tying me to that bastard.”_

_Mal pulled at a loose thread over his kneecap, not looking directly at me; he knew me well. “How did that go over?”_

_“She wouldn’t allow it.” I dropped my arms, resting my palms against the coarse concrete beneath me and stretching my legs out. “She said that every boy should have his father’s name, that there is honour in being named for him.” My laughter was harsh and bitter, like the bile in my throat. “I asked her what honour there is in being named after a man who would abandon his son and the woman who loved him.” My jaw clenched. “I didn’t mean to make her cry, I just…I don’t want the reminder of him following me any more. I want my grandfather’s name, the man who actually raised me and taught me and loved me.”_

_“Maybe you should talk to him,” Mal said, and for a wild second I thought he meant my father. “Ojiisan doesn’t have any good things to say about your dad, he could probably talk her around.”_

_“No,” I said, weary to my bones. “He was there, he heard the argument. He…stepped in, told me I was being disrespectful to his house and to my mother. He agreed with her.”_

_“Ah,” Mal nodded, understanding the significance. “So…what are you going to do?”_

_“When I’m 18 I can change my name and they can’t stop me,” I said, low and fierce._

_“Or…” Mal paused, and when I looked over he was staring at me. “You can keep the name and make it yours.”_

_I frowned. “What?”_

_He sat up a little straighter, caught up in his train of thought. “You could claim it, make it mean something, make it great; make it a name that scares people, or inspires people. Make it a name that people run away from, or flock towards.” He leaned a little closer, intent and so beautiful. “Make it yours, Hichan. Only yours.”_

_I was overwhelmed, suddenly, and turned my face away. “I’ll think about it,” I said, and a smile ghosted across my mouth. “If I can find a minute’s peace.”_

_“Like I said, I can go,” said Mal, but he laid his hand over mine on the concrete roof._

_I looked at him then; the planes of his cheekbones, the blueness of his eyes, the corn-gold curls that were always falling in his face. “No,” I said. “Don’t.”_

_“Okay,” Mal nodded, and shuffled a little closer._

_I tensed, though every part of me always wanted this. Mal was used to me by now so he carried on, turning sideways to face me. He lifted one hand, slowly, tracing my lips with gentle fingers. I closed my eyes and held myself still, so still, as Mal stroked my lips, my jaw, my throat. I sensed him leaning closer, felt warm breath on my mouth._

_When Mal’s lips touched mine, I took a deep, shuddering breath of relief. Mal always kissed me so thoroughly, so completely, giving all of himself. I wished I could do the same but some part of me held back, afraid of something I couldn’t even define to myself. The best I could do was let Mal touch me, fingers skimming under my shirt, along my waist, settling finally over my groin. I let him kiss me as his fingers unzipped my pants and swallowed down my swirling emotions as his hand moved in a smooth, easy rhythm. I kept my eyes shut tight, afraid to look at him; afraid to see myself in his eyes. Heat pooled in my belly and the feeling of his hand on me, his tongue in my mouth, was everything I wanted, everything I shouldn’t._

_The intense pleasure of completion brought with it a rush of shame, just like always. Mal was prepared in every sense, kissing me softly then letting me look away, wordlessly handing me a cleansing wipe from his pocket. My breath was coming in sharp bursts, but it calmed along with my heartbeat as I cleaned myself up and fastened my pants, taking my time until I could look at him again._

_There was nothing in his face but love, acceptance. He took my hand and led it to his thigh; my palm settled there as he opened his pants and reached in. I swallowed hard and listened to his breath hitch, watched the flush creep up his throat._

_When I reached out and touched the back of his hand, he gasped and shut his eyes. That made it easier, and I wrapped my fingers around his slender wrist. I could feel the bones moving under his skin; his wrists were too slender for farm work, belying the artist within him that his family didn’t understand.  I slid my hand down, tangling my fingers with his._

_Mal looked at me, wide-eyed and shuddering, his hand still moving. “I love it when you touch me.”_

_“Good,” I said, my voice so low and husky I didn’t recognise it. “Because I’ll never get tired of doing it.”_

_“Fuck, Hichan,” he laughed on a sigh, groaning as our joined hands sped up._

_“I love you,” I said suddenly, testing the words on my tongue, and he jerked like he’d been shot as he came. He was as breathless as I felt, red-faced, his eyes sparkling bluer than I’d ever seen them._

_“You mean that?” he asked, his voice jagged._

_“I don’t say things I don’t mean,” I said, even as I wondered why I couldn’t ever just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, why I had to make everything hard for myself._

_“I love you too,” Mal said. “I always have.”_

_He leaned in and kissed me, just lips against lips, and I gripped his thigh hard. He pulled away and rested his forehead against mine._

_“Sun’s almost down,” he said. “Dad’ll be looking for me.”_

_“Go,” I said, “I’ll stay here a while longer.”_

_Mal nodded and cleaned himself up, passing me another wipe for my hand. We were silent as we erased all evidence that we’d ever been together, from our bodies if not our hearts._

_Standing tall and slender above me, Mal grinned. “See you at school,” he said, and just like that, he was gone._

_I sat until the sun was completely down, watching the moons drift by and the lights of spacecraft going anywhere but here. When I began to get cold, I climbed down the rope and headed back towards the house._

_The first wrong thing I saw was a thick plume of black smoke rising in the distance, in the direction of town. Fires happened from time to time at the fuel processing plant, but that was on the other side of the settlement. Dread crept into my guts and I knew that something wasn’t right._

_I was running towards the house when Ojiisan ran out, looking around wildly. He saw me and relief dawned on his face; “Buko!” he shouted, “you must go inside the shelter with Okāsama.”_

“Hai,” _I shouted back and kept moving, until I realised suddenly and jarringly that Ojiisan was carrying his old rifle and running towards town. “Ojiisan!” I called after him, but he didn’t even pause._

_"Hikkun!” my mother said from behind me, “come, we must hide.”_

_She was pulling me, pulling my shoulder, and it was too much; I shrugged her off, panic making me rougher than I should have been. “Where is Ojiisan going? What is happening?”_

_“Batarians,” my mother said, and it sounded like a curse on her lips._

_There came a sound, a roaring that built from nothing up to painful in a shockingly short time; a shuttle passed overhead, not far above the rooftops, and I recognised it as a batarian craft._

_"Come on,” my mother said again, yanking at my arm, but I pulled away and ran for the storage shed where I knew Ojiisan kept his guns. I didn’t know how to use any of them, he’d never let me learn, but having the scratched-up Hahne-Kedar grip against my palm made me feel stronger, older._

_“Go to the shelter, Okāsama,” I said, following the way my grandfather had gone._

_“_ _Hikkun, no!” my mother cried, but I ignored her pleas and ran until my lungs were bursting._

_The houses on the edges of town passed in a blur, many on fire, but I didn’t see any people until I got closer to the centre. The air was thick with smoke, with screaming; I saw some people running, and there were bloodied corpses and armed batarians everywhere. I couldn’t see Ojiisan and it hit me that I was running blind, with no plan and no idea of the enemy I faced._

_I felt shame creep over me and ducked behind a low wall, taking deep breaths and trying to think. Keeping low, I peered around the wall and saw a group of people being led in chains onto a shuttle, tied together like animals. Their batarian captors moved so casually, uncaring of the chaos and suffering all around them, laughing amongst themselves. Enjoying our pain._

_I heard a shout, footsteps, sobbing; another group was being brought along the dusty road from the direction I had come. There were seven prisoners being herded by two batarians, and I shrank back into the shadows as they passed. At the end of the line was little Talitha Edwards, who burst into tears suddenly. One of the batarians leaned towards her, snatched away her doll and threw it to the dusty ground, firing a single round into the centre of its forehead._

_Rage boiled up inside me, filling my limbs with strength and purpose. I stood and raised my weapon, realising too late that I hadn’t even checked if it was loaded. But luck was on my side and the shot took one of the batarians high in the chest. He fell hard and the other span towards me, firing before I had a chance to duck. I think he’d been expecting an adult, which is what saved me; his shot grazed my scalp rather than piercing my eye, and a hot wave of blood began to pour into my face._

_I fired again blindly but the gun clicked, useless; I threw myself towards cover as the batarian fired again. His shot punched through my shoulder, spinning me onto my back behind a collapsing wall beside the corpse of one of my neighbours._

_I lay there, winded, in agony, and heard running footsteps approaching. Frantically I smeared blood from my scalp wound across my face, pulling the corpse on top of me, closing my eyes and playing dead. My heart was thundering in my chest and my lungs were bursting, but I lay as still as I could._

_Then I heard shouting, snarling commands rising above the screaming and the crackling of flames. The footsteps stopped then began moving away, fading into the general noise and chaos. I opened my eyes and watched an Alliance craft zip overhead, then another, low enough that I knew they must be about to land close by. Relief made me dizzy; we were saved. But caution told me to stay where I was, to wait until I knew I was safe. I turned my head and looked into my dead neighbour’s face._

_My heart stuttered to a stop; my throat closed to a pinhole. Blue eyes stared unseeing at the stars, a corn-gold curl straggling across them. His skin was pale, his lips white; the smear of blood on his shattered face was vividly, obscenely scarlet._

_I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. I no longer felt the pain in my scalp or my shoulder; a new pain was seeping in, superseding all others. A black hole had opened in my chest and was sucking everything into it; every thought, every emotion. My mind was shutting down, my heart freezing over, and I didn’t think I’d ever truly be me again._


	6. SIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW once we switch to Hiro's perspective, if that's not your thing then you can skip the first four paragraphs.

KAIDAN

Kaidan managed to keep it together all the way out through the maze of tunnels and back to the colonists’ camp, stamping hard on the revulsion and terror that still squirmed in his gut. He’d never faced an enemy like the Thorian and its creepers before, and the hours of fighting in the humidity and noise and chaos had left him drained and hovering on the fringes of a migraine. He found a quiet place to sit and yanked his helmet off, taking deep lungfuls of air that wasn’t thick with decay and grenade fumes.

Shepard came over to him, pulling his own helmet off as he crouched beside Kaidan. “Are you alright?” he asked, calm and stoic as ever. His skin was pale, his eyes showing the strain, but he appeared as much in control as he ever did.

“Yeah,” Kaidan rasped, a little bit ashamed of the quaver in his voice. “Just need a minute to breathe.”

Shepard laid a hand on his shoulder. “You did well, Kaidan,” he said. “We faced a formidable enemy, and you kept your head and your nerve when it mattered. We could never have succeeded without that.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan said tiredly, a smile twitching.

Shepard frowned. “You have a cut on your cheek – was your helmet breached?”

“Ah, no,” Kaidan said, a touch sheepish as he reflexively touched his stinging cheekbone. “I was having trouble seeing in there so I opened my visor to try to clear my vision. Big mistake – if it wasn’t bad enough that I almost choked on the smell, I caught a piece of debris to the face.”

Shepard just nodded. “Every mission has something to teach us,” he said, then with a hint of a smile added, “Even if it’s just a reminder of why helmets are a good idea.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan chuckled, reaching for a tube of medigel in his belt pouch. “Shoulda learned that long before now, huh?”

“Perhaps,” Shepard said. “We learn things when we need to know them, not before.”

Kaidan paused in unscrewing the tube’s cap and looked into Shepard’s dark, inscrutable eyes. “How are you doing, Shepard?”

“Fine,” Shepard said, standing. “Exhausted, a little nauseous, but fine.”

Kaidan watched Shepard move over to Garrus, checking in. The commander held himself stiffly, favouring his right knee, and Kaidan knew there was an injury he was keeping quiet about.

Kaidan finished dabbing gel onto his face and pushed himself to his feet, fighting the fatigue and the nausea that threatened to swamp him. He joined Shepard and Garrus in talking to the colonists, distributing supplies; he even helped make some adjustments to the heating conduits to improve their thermal capacity. The whole time his head ached and his stomach rolled, fatigue pressing against the back of his eyes. He wasn’t sure exactly how he kept putting one foot in front of the other, though Shepard’s tall, strong presence nearby was a big part of it.

Finally it was time to leave. The shore party made their way back to the Normandy in an odd silence, with none of the usual post-mission banter or analysis. Each one was caught up in the exhaustion and trauma of what they’d been through on Feros; even Garrus had no witty remarks or pointed comments.

The turian disappeared as soon as they arrived on the ship, leaving Kaidan and Shepard alone in the cargo bay. They trudged to their lockers and began changing, their movements slow and clumsy. Shepard made a soft, frustrated grunt when he dropped his helmet, and Kaidan’s fingers felt thick and inflexible as he rolled down his tight undersuit.

“Your cheek,” Shepard said.

Kaidan looked up at him, touching the stinging gash on his cheekbone. “It’s fine,” he said.

“It’s bleeding,” Shepard said.

“Oh. I guess it must have opened up again,” Kaidan said, his tired brain adding _Obviously. Idiot._ He fumbled the tube of medigel out of his supply pouch but before he could unscrew it Shepard took it out of his hands.

“Let me,” Shepard said. “You can’t see what you’re doing.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan said quietly.

“Can’t have you bleeding on my deck,” Shepard said, but the light tone was weighted with something more.

The strong antiseptic smell of the medigel reached Kaidan’s nose just as Shepard’s finger touched his cheek; he felt the echo of the simple contact right through to his core. Shepard was looking at him, still and silent, though Kaidan noticed his bare chest stuttering with a caught breath.

A flame rushed through him, the commander’s reaction mirroring his own. Then Shepard’s fingers traced up, across to his temple, smoothing through his damp hair; Kaidan glanced up at Shepard’s intense dark eyes and immediately had to look away as his heart juddered. He looked down but that put his eyes on the commander’s bare, sweat-streaked torso which was better, but also worse.

He noticed a tattoo he’d never seen before, low down on the left side of Shepard’s ribs; it looked like a Japanese word drawn in red ink.

“I didn’t know you had a tattoo,” Kaidan said, hesitantly lifting a hand to touch it, watching Shepard’s reaction.

Shepard blinked, surprised, but didn’t stop him. “Oh. I got that when I was 19. It was a moment of foolishness.”

“I don’t know, a lot of people like a little ink,” Kaidan said, then flushed. “But that might not be what you meant…sorry, Shepard.”

Shepard just shook his head, smiling gently. “After my grandfather died I kicked back hard against everything he ever taught me to be. I went a little wild, truth be told."

"I can't even imagine that," Kaidan said.  

"I’ll tell you about it another time,” Shepard murmured.

His hand lingered in Kaidan’s hair, and Kaidan flattened his palm against Shepard’s ribs. Shepard’s eyes flicked down to Kaidan’s mouth and he was struck with the certainty that the commander was going to kiss him; that he was going to allow it. His pulse spiked, his cock stirred, and he hoped that Shepard was feeling the same electric thrill.

When the _ping_ of the elevator sounded behind them, Shepard moved smoothly away from Kaidan and turned to his locker as though nothing had happened. Kaidan’s heart was thundering but he tried to mirror Shepard’s calmness, glancing over as Garrus approached.

The turian nodded to him, then Shepard. Kaidan carried on undressing, hyperaware of Shepard close by, trying to suppress his instinctive reaction to the man’s presence. He pulled on sweats and grabbed a towel, scurrying off to the showers and resolving not to be weak and relieve his tension alone under the spray.

As it turned out, his resolve wasn’t always that strong.

_SHEPARD_

_I trailed my fingers along my lover’s jaw, down his throat, circling nipples that were red and swollen from the abuse I’d already inflicted. He arched up with a wordless gasp, muscles straining as he pulled against the restraints. His eyes burned but he didn’t say anything, just watched me with something like anger, something like adoration._

_“You’re doing so well,” I said, kissing his nipples, biting them. He cried out again, closer to a sob, and I took his bobbing erection in my hand. It was slick with lube and his arousal, and I started stroking again at a leisurely pace. His pale Western skin had taken on a lovely flame-red flush from the frustration of his denied release. The buzz I felt from having him at my mercy was intoxicating; to see such a strong, well-muscled guy tied up for my amusement was an unbelievable rush._

_His breathing got quicker, his chest heaving, and his hips jerked up into my hand rhythmically. I recognised the signs of his approaching climax, having denied him so many times already tonight, and as his motions quickened, mine slowed. He roared when I stilled my hand, pulling so hard against the restraints that I thought he might break them; then, just when he thought I was stopping again, I jerked my hand quickly, smoothly, driving him over the edge. His eyes were fixed on mine as he came in thick, urgent spurts over his belly and chest, shock and relief so clear in his blue gaze._

_He was still coming down from the high when I climbed up to straddle his chest, guiding my cock between his lips; he began sucking and bobbing even as his body trembled under me, and I closed my eyes and held onto his face and let him bring me off down his throat._

_As I sprawled on the bed watching him dress, I asked, “Do your construction buddies know you pick up guys in nightclubs?”_

_“No,” he said, buttoning his shirt. “Does your mother know you let strangers suck your cock?”_

_I laughed. “My mother is dead. My father is dead. Everybody who’d give a shit is dead.”_

_He cocked his head, eyes narrowing. “How old are you?”_

_“Now you ask me,” I said, tucking a hand behind my head as I smiled lazily. “Shouldn’t you check those kinds of details_ before _you take someone to a cheap sex hotel?”_

_“Just answer the question,” he said brusquely._

_“21,” I lied._

_“Fuck,” he groaned, chuckling. “I figured closer to 25. I have a son who’s only a few years younger than you.”_

_“Kinky,” I grinned, scratching the still-healing skin around my tattoo._

_He noticed the gesture and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to trace the red lines over my ribs. “What does it mean?” he asked._

_“It’s my name.”_

_“Why is it red?” he asked. “I thought that was an unlucky colour over here.”_

_“It is,” I said, sitting up, leaning closer so my lips were an inch from his. “And writing your name in red is even worse luck.”_

_“So why do it?” he asked, fixated on my mouth._

_“Because luck is for other people,” I said. “I set my own destiny, and anything that tries to get in the way of that can get fucked.”_

_He smiled, took my jaw in a none-too-gentle grip. “Big talk for a scrawny kid,” he said. “I think later tonight I’m going to show you what getting fucked looks like.”_

_I shoved his hand away, anger flaring bright in my chest. “Don’t touch me,” I said, sliding smoothly off the bed. “I don’t get fucked by anybody, and I never screw anyone twice.”_

_He watched as I yanked on my jeans. “So that’s it, huh?” he asked, the anger of rejection colouring his voice. “You’re only a slut for strangers?”_

_Ice ran through my guts and I turned to face him as he stood. “What did you fucking call me?” I asked, my voice low and grainy._

_“Just stating the truth, slut,” he said nastily._

_My feet moved before I could think and I hit him once, twice; his nose made a wet crunching sound as he staggered back and shouted his pain._

_“You’re fucking crazy,” he said, his voice thickened by anger and blood._

_“Get out before I really show you something special,” I snarled, thrumming with rage._

_He looked like he was ready to fight me so I shoved him hard in the centre of his chest, let him see the rage and pain that were never far from the surface. And he frowned, and backed off, and then he was gone._

_I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands, adrenaline and anger and despair warring for dominance. My eye caught on the drops of blood spattered on the mat beneath my feet; I felt so lost, so old._

_I hated the guys I slept with; I hated myself for doing it. And I hated sneaking home to my uncle’s cold, loveless home afterwards and lying awake in my narrow bed, wishing for sleep but dreading the next day. He kept telling me I needed a career, needed direction, and I hated how right he was. But I didn’t know what I could do, what I was qualified for. The only thing I seemed to be good at was getting angry and hurting people._

_Okāsama would be so ashamed of me._

_I wondered what Ojiisan would tell me to do, what advice he’d give. He’d always wanted me to join the military, to be like him; to be somebody who was respected, admired, but I’d rebelled against that the way I’d rebelled against everything else he ever told me._

_But then I thought about the Alliance recruitment posters that suddenly seemed to have appeared all over town. I thought about Ojiisan’s sword, and that Alliance admiral’s words after I lost everyone I’d ever cared about. I thought about Mal and his insistence that I should make the name Shepard great, make it feared. And I thought about my fold-out bed in my uncle’s study, which I had to pack away out of sight every day as though I were still an inconvenience even after three years. I had nothing to lose, and a universe to gain._

_Determination settled in, stiffening my spine when I stood. I knew where the Alliance recruitment office was, and I knew that it opened at dawn. There was nothing at my uncle’s house that I would miss, so there was no reason to go back there. I’d find somewhere to drink a coffee, maybe eat some natto and rice, and then I’d be gone._

_I smiled as I wondered whether my uncle would even notice._


	7. SEVEN

KAIDAN

Kaidan was drunk.

Not merry, or tipsy, or relaxed; he was full-on, room-spinning drunk.

It was all Joker’s fault. He was the one who’d suggested the Dark Star Lounge, where they were having a two-for-one happy hour. He was the one who bought everyone a round of drinks that were green and fruity and wickedly strong. He was the one who’d challenged the off-duty C-Sec officers to a drinking contest, then failed spectacularly and dragged his crewmates into the forfeit. And he was the one who’d called Shepard on his omnitool right before he passed out in a snoring, drooling heap on the table.

It was mortifying when Shepard, Tali and Dr Chakwas arrived to peel Joker and the others off the furniture and start herding them out of the door to their quarterhouse. When Joker had to stop to throw up into a pot plant, Dr Chakwas stayed with him and told the others to keep walking. When Adams and Pressley wandered off to get a late-night snack, Shepard reminded them that if he found out they’d gone to another club he was docking their pay. When Garrus and Tali got into a heated debate about the merits or otherwise of _Fleet and Flotilla_ , stopping in the middle of a bridge to argue it out, Shepard shook his head and left them to it.

Which was how Kaidan found himself walking alone with Shepard, wishing he’d stopped a drink or two sooner, anxious that the commander was thinking he was a drunken idiot. He knew the commander didn’t drink alcohol, and though he’d never said anything explicit Kaidan was inclined to think he disapproved of it.

So Kaidan did his best to appear sober, sensible, annunciating clearly and focusing on walking straight. He thought he was doing pretty well for a while, but then the thing happened that always happened when he’d been drinking; he started to run away at the mouth.

“You know what I’ve realised, Shepard?” Kaidan said, hoping he’d imagined the slurring in his voice.

“What’s that?” Shepard asked, steering him past an asari couple with a hand on his arm.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you laugh,” Kaidan said. “Smile, sometimes…and you chuckle at Garrus every now and again…but not a real, honest-to-God belly laugh.”

Shepard looked sideways at him. “There hasn’t been much to laugh about lately.”

“But you do laugh sometimes, right?” Kaidan persisted. He was drunk and tired, and he couldn’t seem to stop the words from flowing. “I mean – there are things in your life that make you happy, aren’t there? Like…when a mission goes to plan and nobody gets hurt? Or watching some dumb action vid that you’ve seen a hundred times but you still always enjoy? Or a hot cup of good coffee after a hard day?”

“I’d say those are things that bring satisfaction more than happiness,” Shepard said, glancing over at him as he almost face-planted a column. “Kaidan, how much exactly have you had to drink?”

“Not _that_ much,” Kaidan said, rubbing the flush creeping up the back of his neck. “There was at least _one_ full bottle left back at the bar.”

Shepard smiled; Kaidan saw it before the commander turned his face away. Heat and happiness swam up in Kaidan’s chest, spinning his head more than the booze. “Come on, Shepard, tell me – what makes you happy?”

Shepard stopped, looked him straight in the eye, and said, “You do.”

Kaidan knew he was gaping, that he was staring and not speaking, but he couldn’t move. Shepard was just looking at him in the dim, almost-empty colonnade, expressionless except for his eyes.

“I…I do?” Kaidan croaked eventually.

“You do,” Shepard said quietly, glancing around. “You listen to me without judging me. You trust what I say but you question me when I need it. You support me, and you challenge me, and you remind me that I’m something more than just a butcher. You make me feel things that I thought I’d never…and you see _me_ , Kaidan. Nobody ever sees me.”

Kaidan’s heart was full, thumping, fit to burst free and throw itself at Shepard’s feet. “Oh,” was all he could bring himself to say.

Something almost anguished flitted across Shepard’s face, gone before he could pin it down. “But now is not the time, and it’s not the place,” he said abruptly, starting to walk again.

Kaidan watched for a second before he realised he should move; looking ahead he could see the Alliance quarterhouse where they’d be sleeping, and felt a longing pulse of regret. He wasn’t ready for this to end; he wasn’t ready to let go of what Shepard had said.

“Wait,” he said, jogging to catch up despite the nausea that churned his belly. “You can’t just say that to me and then walk away!”

Shepard looked over at him, the sharp line of his cheekbone painted blue by a neon sign. “I’m not saying we can’t talk about it,” he said. “But you’re drunk and I’m exhausted. So I _am_ saying not now.”

“You’re something else, Shepard,” Kaidan said, shaking his head.

“I get that a lot,” Shepard said, holding the door for Kaidan.

They walked to the elevator in silence. He tried to contain his words, his heart, but as he watched the numbers climb on the screen above the doors Kaidan opened his mouth and let his heart take over.

“I’ve never met anyone like you, Shepard. And I know, you probably get that a lot too, but…you make me understand myself better. Like…all the parts of me that don’t make sense, do, now…or at least it seems like they could…like, the man I’m supposed to be was in there all along, it just needed the right person to bring it out. Wait, that doesn’t sound right…”

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, quiet but warm, smiling. “It’s okay. I get it.”

The doors opened with a _whoosh_ and a _ping_ and Shepard gestured for Kaidan to go first. They walked along the grey corridor, stopping at Kaidan’s grey door, and Shepard waited while Kaidan fumbled for his key card and scanned it.

Kaidan stood on the threshold, holding the door, wanting to invite Shepard in but knowing it wasn’t the right choice. Still, the unspoken words burned like whisky in his throat.

“Good night,” Shepard said, a smile flickering. “After the skinful you’ve had I’m sure you’ll sleep like a baby.”

“Ah, but babies don’t sleep,” Kaidan said, holding a finger in the air and immediately regretting it. “They cry, and fidget, and kick off their covers, and need to pee constantly. Which, actually, might be more accurate than I first thought…”

Shepard laughed. He looked almost surprised at himself for a moment, which made Kaidan laugh too.

“There it is,” Kaidan murmured. “Knew you could do it.”

Shepard’s smile was soft, vulnerable. “Just needed the right person to bring it out,” he said. He glanced in both directions, then stepped forward and pressed a brief, burning kiss to Kaidan’s forehead. “Sleep well,” he said, tracing Kaidan’s jaw with his fingertips before turning and walking away.

Kaidan watched him leave, resting his head on the cool metal doorframe. “Yeah,” he said to the uncaring silence, “like I’m sleeping _now_ …”

* * *

 

_SHEPARD_

_My heart thundered behind my ribs, painful and exhilarating. I leaned out around the crates that were serving as cover, down on one knee and keeping low. There was smoke hanging in the air and my visor’s vents were doing a poor job of keeping it clear, but ahead of me I caught a flash of blue and my pulse spiked. The enemy was moving, withdrawing; the knowledge brought a fierce rush of exhilaration. My squad was outgunned, outnumbered, but we had our foes on the run. I’d known that my orders to split the squad had been risky, but I also knew that the enemy had no idea how few of us there were; by moving forward on two fronts, using flashbangs and grenades to create chaos and add to the illusion, we’d made the blue-armoured mercs believe that we had strength in numbers and that had made them stupid._

_I glanced over at Sadiq, crouching behind a crate opposite me, and nodded towards the retreating mercs. He nodded back and we moved smoothly from cover, pressing forward. I’d only known the man for seven months but he was my first friend at the Academy, the only one I knew I could trust, and we’d found a rhythm and connection in combat that always invigorated me._

_My eyes were moving constantly, assessing the threats and watching for movement. When I caught sight of a blurred figure on the balcony I brought up my gun, firing instinctively, and a body dropped with a clang. I looked back at Sadiq and saw him lying on the ground with a merc standing over him; I felt the shock of it under my ribs and I cursed out loud. Sadiq was unmoving, his gun lying a foot from his body; as I watched, the merc drew back his foot and kicked him hard in the ribs._

_Fury raged through my body, burning hot and irresistible; I yanked off my helmet and sprinted across to the merc, tackling him to the floor and straddling him to pin him to the floor._

_“You motherfucker,” I snarled, scrabbling to get the man’s helmet off. When it rolled free, I registered the anger in the man’s eyes before I hit him once, twice. The man bucked upwards and I tried to keep my balance, but he was bigger and stronger than me. He threw me off then loomed over me; he punched me and pain bloomed across my cheekbone, my eye socket, as my head snapped back painfully against the hard floor._

_Floodlights snapped on and a klaxon sounded, an electronic voice repeating, “Simulation ends”. Two men ran over, one in blue armour and one in grey, and pulled Miller off me._

_“What the hell is going on here?” barked Captain Henderson, striding over from the observation area. He glared at us both, but it seemed like his anger was mostly aimed at me. “This is a hostage retrieval simulation, not a street fight; explain yourself, Shepard.”_

_“Sir, I saw Miller kick Sadiq when he was down and disarmed,” I said, proud of how steady I kept my voice despite the fury thrumming in my veins. “We’re lightly armoured and a blow like that could do some real damage – and I admit I may have overreacted but - ”_

_“May have?” Henderson snapped back._

_I clenched my jaw for a second and went on, “Sir, assaulting a downed opponent in training is against the rules of the exercise and also a fucking shitty thing to do,” I said, my temper creeping in and taking over._

_“Watch your mouth, Shepard,” Henderson said, eyes narrow and cold. He glanced over at Miller. “Is this true?”_

_“No, sir,” Miller said. “I stumbled as I went to retrieve his gun, sir, and my foot connected with Sadiq by accident. Shepard was mistaken.”_

_The audacity of the lie made my head spin, but Henderson nodded. “I see. Miller, go get cleaned up and see the medic. Shepard, consider this an unofficial warning.”_

_“But sir,” I protested, my lungs tight and burning._

_“Dismissed,” Henderson said, and turned his back._

_For a moment I almost argued back, almost launched myself at him, almost shouted my rage to the ceiling. But instead, summoning a strength of will I didn’t know was in me, I snapped my mouth shut with a click. I was almost vibrating with anger, overcome by the injustice of it. Henderson had been harsh with me from the first day of training, but this was the first time he’d been so blatantly unfair. I knew when I signed up that there were plenty of men like him in the military, power hungry and small minded, but that didn’t lessen the sting at all._

_I turned and saw Sadig climbing painfully to his feet, a medic supporting his elbow. His armoured chest guard had been removed, his undersuit peeled down, and a shiny patch of medigel covered a darkening cloud over his ribs._

_“Are you okay?” I asked, glancing over at the medic._

_“Yeah,” Sadiq said, a touch breathy. “Hurts like a son of a bitch, though.”_

_“He just needs to rest, the gel will take care of the fracture,” the medic said to me. “You should get some gel on that face, you’re going to have a black eye otherwise.”_

_“I’ll take him back first,” I said, moving to Sadiq’s side and settling an arm around his back. The feel of his hot, bare skin under my palm pulled a throb of want from my gut, but I ignored i_ t.

_Sadiq smiled and leaned heavily on me as we began a slow limp back to our quarters. “Thanks, man,” he said. “For all of it. Sorry you landed in the shit with Henderson on my account.”_

_“Forget it,” I said. “Miller was being a dick and someone needed to challenge him on it. My grandfather always told me that small men try to pull down those who stand up for what’s right; Henderson’s just one of those guys.”_

_“Guess so,” Sadiq said, then nodded past me. “Looks like someone’s fighting your corner though.”_

_I glanced over and saw Henderson talking to a man in an admiral’s uniform, the two men clearly having a disagreement. The admiral looked familiar, and then it clicked – this was the soldier who’d talked to me after Mindoir, the one who’d tried to give me my father’s dog tags. As I watched, the admiral gestured towards me; our eyes caught, and the man nodded once. Henderson followed his glance, the red of his face darkening further when he saw me. It seemed like Sadiq was right and that the admiral – Hackett – was arguing on my behalf. It was a reassuring thought, somehow._

_“I wonder what that’s all about,” Sadiq said._

_“Nothing that concerns us grunts,” I said dismissively, though I was burning to know if I was right._

_Later that evening Sadiq approached me in a shadowy, quiet corner. “Hey, look,” he said, his eyes darting around before fastening on me, “I was just…uh, I mean, I may have read this all wrong, but…I think you’re hot, Shepard, and I think you’ve noticed me too. So…I’m not getting on one knee here but…I’d be down to have a casual thing going on. If you want.”_

_If this was Tokyo, I’d have taken Sadiq home in a heartbeat. But that wasn’t me any more: I wouldn’t let it be me any more. There were rules against it for one thing, but my grandfather’s word echoed in my heart too. Next time I let someone touch me, it would be someone I loved._

_“I have noticed you,” I said carefully, “but if we get caught fraternising it’ll go on our records. If you hadn’t realised it yet, I already have quite a talent for getting myself in trouble, so…”_

_“Oh yeah, no, I get it,” Sadiq said, taking a step back and then another. “It’s cool. I was just asking. I’ll see you at breakfast, I guess.”_

_“Alright,” I said, watching him go. I felt a sting of regret, but also an odd sort of pride. Maybe Mal had been right; maybe I didn’t have to let my life and my father and my circumstances dictate who I was._

_Maybe I really could choose who I wanted to be._


	8. EIGHT

KAIDAN

The world slowly swam into focus as Kaidan blearily opened his eyes. His eyelids were heavy and his mouth tasted like ashes; with a wordless groan he rolled onto his side and reached for the bottle of water he’d left there before falling into bed the night before.

He drank a little, savouring the sweet cool taste, and let his mind skip back to the night before. It was all clear up until Joker began dancing on the table, then his memories became a little fuzzier. He remembered walking through the Presidium, along a shadowy colonnade…but wait, he hadn’t been alone…

Kaidan sat up suddenly, swallowing his mouthful of water so fast that it went down the wrong way and made him cough. _Shepard – that’s who was with me._ The floodgates opened and he began to recall everything; a confession that made his heart lurch and a kiss that stirred his soul. A laugh bubbled out of his throat, a grin that refused to disappear.

But then Kaidan spotted his omnitool flashing, and saw a message recalling all hands with immediate effect. It seemed that a salarian reconnaissance team on a planet named Virmire had information about Saren; the Council feared the team was in danger and had asked the Normandy to investigate immediately.  

With a groan, Kaidan rolled off the edge of the bed and dragged himself towards the shower.

*

Kaidan waited while Dr Chakwas tapped away at her keyboard, poring over the details of his fourth mediscan in the last twelve hours. Grief swirled through him in nauseating waves and he felt groggy and disoriented after hours sleeping off the pain meds; his body ached, his lungs still sore from the toxic smoke he’d breathed in, but he was filled with restless energy and he was desperate to get up and move.

He glanced out through the medbay windows towards Shepard’s door again, hoping to catch a glimpse of the commander. “Looks quiet out there,” he said, just to break the itchy silence.

Dr Chakwas glanced up briefly. “Commander Shepard sent most of the crew ashore,” she said. “We docked at a spaceport named Agrona while you were sleeping, he said that everyone needed some downtime to deal with our loss.”

“I see,” Kaidan said softly. “Has he gone ashore too?”

“No. He’s resting in his cabin.”

“Have you talked to him since the debrief?” Kaidan asked carefully. “After what happened to Ash, the choice he had to make – he shouldn’t be dealing with all that on his own.”

“I checked in on him earlier. He’s doing fine,” Dr Chakwas said absently, still focused on his medical report. After a moment she said, “Well, I’m satisfied that your body is accepting the grafts and beginning to heal.” She turned to face him. “But I strongly recommend that you climb back into bed and rest in here until the morning cycle. You took quite a beating down there, Lieutenant – physically and emotionally. Rest is what you need.”

“I’m sick of resting,” Kaidan said, shuffling off the bed and swaying a little as he gained his balance. “I need to get out of here and look in on Shepard – he’s good at acting like he’s fine but I know that he - ” He cut himself off, flushing deeply, his guts clenching as he realised how much he’d said and how desperate he sounded.

Dr Chakwas smiled, steadying him with a hand on his arm. “True enough. Perhaps you’re exactly what he needs after all. I had a clean uniform brought in for you,” she gesturing to the pile of clothes on her desk.

With just a little help and in twice the time it usually took, Kaidan put on the uniform. It seemed to put a little steel into his spine, gave him a persona to hide behind and pretend he wasn’t terrified to face Shepard. He had no idea what he was going to say, but he needed to say something. He knew that Shepard would be blaming himself for Ash, could only imagine what he must be going through; besides which, focusing on thinking about Shepard helped him push aside his own grief and guilt.

He’d made it halfway to Shepard’s door when he heard someone say, “Kaidan,”. He turned and saw Joker standing behind him, pale and unsmiling.

“Hey,” Kaidan said, coughing a little to clear the smokiness from his throat. “How are you doing?”

“On a scale of 1 to shitty, fucking awful,” Joker said. His eyes darted around Kaidan’s face and he whistled. “Better than you, though - that’s some shiner you’ve got there.”

“It’s nothing,” Kaidan said, reflexively touching his aching face. “I got off lucky compared to Ash.”

“Now, see, that’s why I stopped you just now,” Joker said, taking a step closer. “I know you’ve got that whole Canadian Boy Scout vibe going on - and that’s good, it works for you. So long as it doesn’t come with a side of martyr complex.”

“Joker, I appreciate where you’re going with this, but it’s not necessary,” Kaidan said.

“You say that, but you’ve got that same hangdog look that the commander’s been wearing all night. I already told him, and I’m telling you too – not a man, woman or alien on this ship blames either of you for what happened to Ash. Shepard was stuck with a godawful decision that he should never have had to make, and we support his choice even though it…” Joker paused, took a breath and went on. “And yeah, there’s the part where you’re the higher ranking officer, and you were the one who knew about bomb stuff so it was the logical call – but there’s also the part where Ash would have done the exact same thing if the choice was hers and she’d be calling us all a bunch of pussies right now for sitting around moping about it.”

Tears were pricking at the back of Kaidan’s eyes, his throat tightening. “Yeah,” he nodded. “She sure would.”

Joker reached out, clasped his arm hard for a second then took a step back. “Don’t get used to this nicey nice stuff though,” he said. “I’m not going to start hosting weekly self-actualisation circles or…y’know, giving a shit about your emotional wellbeing.”

“Understood,” Kaidan said, smiling despite everything. “So, uh...you’ve seen the commander?”

“Not since the debrief,” Joker said. “He’s been shut up in his cabin, wouldn’t let anyone in except Garrus and that was only for a few minutes.”

“Right. Thanks,” Kaidan said.

He watched Joker hobble away then glanced over at Shepard’s door, torn between wanting to go in there and wanting to respect Shepard’s personal space. But then he remembered the memorial garden, Shepard saying softly _It’s better when you’re here_ , and before he could change his mind he walked over and pressed his hand to the entry pad beside Shepard’s door.

The display flashed red as Shepard denied the request. Kaidan tried again, wishing the door wasn’t soundproof so he could tell Shepard that it was him. This time the pad flashed green and when the doors swooshed open to reveal the commander, Kaidan took an involuntary step back.

Shepard’s face was like a thundercloud, his jaw clenched, his eyes hard and empty. He was wearing only a pair of sweatpants and his body was covered with bruises; there was a purple ring around his throat which medigel should have taken care of. His loose hair was a tousled mess and the air in his cabin held the unmistakable smell of alcohol.

“Shepard?” Kaidan said, thrown by the total loss of his usual composure.

“Kaidan, you're awake,” Shepard said, his voice hoarse. His frown deepened and he took a step back. “You can’t…I don’t want to see you. I’m…I’m relieved that you’re okay but…please, leave me alone.”

“I can’t do that, Shepard - you know I can’t,” Kaidan said, his heart clenching at the pain that flickered across Shepard’s face.

"You have your own grief to deal with," Shepard persisted.  "I'm not going to let you burden yourself with mine.  We'll talk soon, I promise - just not now."

"No, Shepard," Kaidan said firmly, "not this time.  I’m not going to leave you here on your own, reliving what happened.”

“It’s what I deserve though, isn’t it?” Shepard asked harshly, his chest heaving, his words slurred. “This is just like my mother, just like Mal, just like Torfan – leaving people to die – no, fuck it, _causing_ people to die. So why shouldn’t I feel it, Kaidan? Why shouldn’t I let the burden of it settle on my shoulders until it fucking crushes me?”

Kaidan flinched at Shepard’s rising anger, but he walked into the cabin and let the door shut behind him. “Because none of those things was your fault,” he said. “As a commanding officer you’ll always have decisions to make, and everyone serving under you trusts you to make them wisely.” He paused, let his voice soften. “You made the right tactical call on Virmire, Shepard. If you think I don't hate it too, don't feel the burden of being here when she's not, then you're dead wrong.  But Ash knew when she signed up that she could die young – that’s something we all accept when we sign our papers. You did nothing wrong, and nobody blames you.”

“I do,” Shepard said, his voice and mouth twisting as he stalked closer to Kaidan. “I did it all by the books, made the decision to abandon Ash by following protocol – rescue the ranking officer, the mission before the soldier. But if _she’d_ been with the bomb and not you…I don’t know if I’d have been strong enough to leave you behind.”

Kaidan felt breathless. “What?”

“You see?” Shepard asked, a short and bitter laugh spilling out of him. “You see now what I’m really like? I’m a curse, Kaidan. _My_ weakness, _my_ decisions, get people killed.”

“That’s just the nature of war, Shepard,” Kaidan said, making his voice louder and harder too. “Every officer in the history of the universe has given orders that have gotten people killed. But Torfan, and Virmire – that’s not your fault, not your weakness, it’s just how it goes in the heat of battle.”

“So what about my mother?” Shepard said, and Kaidan’s heart dropped at the tears sparkling in the other man’s eyes. “The last thing I did was push her away, argue with her. She ended her life not knowing how much I loved her…she begged me to stay with her but I turned my back and left her there to die. Just like I did with Ash.” A tear spilled over but Shepard didn’t seem to notice.

“Shepard,” Kaidan said softly, closing the gap and reaching up to brush the tear from his face. Shepard moved to push his hand away but Kaidan caught his wrist, held onto it tightly.

“I don’t need your pity, Kaidan,” Shepard said, his breath heavy with alcohol, his eyes brimming with tears.

“You don’t have my pity,” Kaidan said softly, not letting go. “You have my respect. You have my support. You have - ” His voice broke but he pushed on. “You have my love. If you want it.”

Shepard’s lips pressed into a thin line, his brow drawing down, and for a moment Kaidan thought he was going to get angry again. But then Shepard crowded against him, laying his head on Kaidan’s shoulder and draping his free arm around Kaidan’s body. Kaidan let go of his wrist and wrapped Shepard in his arms, his own tears flowing as Shepard sobbed into the cradle of his neck and shoulder. The commander’s fingers tightened in his shirt, his arms a crushing band around Kaidan’s ribs, and Kaidan gently combed his fingers through Shepard’s soft, thick hair.

When Shepard lifted his head and looked into Kaidan’s eyes, the last little piece of Kaidan’s heart became his. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “For seeing me like this and not turning away.”

“I’ll never turn my back on you, Shepard,” Kaidan said firmly, brushing away Shepard’s tears with his thumbs. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”

Shepard looked to the side and asked, “Are you…would you stay with me? I need to sleep but I…I don’t want to be on my own.”

“Of course,” Kaidan said, taking a step back. “I bet that chair is more comfortable than it looks.”

“No, I mean in the bed.” Shepard frowned, shook his head; he looked so lost and uncertain that Kaidan could have cried. “Not because…I’m not asking for sex, I just…”

“Whatever you need, Shepard,” Kaidan said again.

Shepard watched as Kaidan toed off his boots; in an impulsive rush, Kaidan untucked his shirt too and lifted it over his head. He told himself that it was because he’d read somewhere that skin contact was soothing, helped calm people’s distress. But when Shepard’s eyes skipped over his body, he felt a warm curl of pride that he was a little bit ashamed of.

“This doesn’t mean you’re getting lucky,” Kaidan said, trying to lighten the thick atmosphere. “It’s just more comfortable.”

Shepard smiled, a brief flicker, and Kaidan couldn’t help returning it. And when Shepard stepped in again, cupped Kaidan’s face in both hands and kissed him, Kaidan couldn’t help kissing him back.

It was over in a moment but Kaidan savoured the brush of Shepard’s lips, the shape of his teeth behind the kiss, the barest flicker of his tongue. The tang of alcohol was sharp in the background and Shepard’s stubble was scratchy and rough, but somehow it was perfect.

Ash’s memorial was brutal; he’d known it would be, had prepared himself as best he could. But however bad he’d thought it would be, it was worse.

Kaidan kept an appropriate distance from Shepard as the guests mingled and talked at Alliance headquarters, waiting for the service to begin. He watched with pride and amazement as the commander talked and shook hands with everyone who wanted to meet him, graciously accepting every condolence, every compliment. Shepard’s hair was neatly tied back and he wore his dress blues, his medals pinned to his breast by Kaidan that morning. He looked so calm and collected, every inch the commander, but Kaidan could see the effort it was taking and wondered how everyone else could be so blind to it.

Glancing around, Kaidan saw Admiral Hackett standing alone by the buffet table. Seeing his chance, he took a deep breath and approached the admiral.

“Ah, Lieutenant Alenko,” Hackett greeted him, shaking his hand warmly. “Glad to see you up and about, son.”

“Thank you, sir,” Kaidan said. “I don’t want to speak out of turn here but there was something I wanted to ask you.”

“Go ahead,” Hackett said, apparently intrigued.

“You were with the response squad on Mindoir when the batarians attacked,” Kaidan began, “and I heard you met Shepard back then, is that right?”

“It is,” Hackett said, smiling. “There was something special about him even then.”

Kaidan paused, unsure how to go on. “I was hoping you could help me find something for him,” he said, before going on to explain.

They talked until an aide in dress blues made an announcement and everyone filed into the main hall, taking their seats in rows facing a photograph of Ash and an empty coffin. Her family’s minister led the remembrance service, and her previous commanding officer got up to speak glowingly of her achievements, her accomplishments, her glittering career cut short.

A hush fell when Ash’s mother and sisters got up on the platform. Mrs Williams looked out at everyone, all those faces turned towards her; she wore her grief well, shoulders drawn back and chin lifted high, but as soon as she began to speak Kaidan could tell how broken she was. She started off strongly, speaking of a scrappy girl and loving daughter, of the family’s pride at Ash’s distinguished service and strength of character. But when she began to read Ash’s favourite poem her mouth wilted and her shoulders slumped, as though the fight had gone out of her somehow.

Without a word, Shepard got up on the stage. He spoke softly in her ear and led her towards the loving arms of her daughters before turning to the podium.

“Ashley Williams was a brave and dedicated soldier – but we’ve already heard all about that,” Shepard said, his voice ringing out into the silence. “What we haven’t heard about is the woman who could stare down a krogan if he got between her and her first cup of coffee in the morning – trust me, I saw it happen.”

A small ripple of laughter went around the room; Kaidan saw Mrs Williams’ eyes snap to Shepard, a smile wavering onto her mouth.

“Nobody’s told you yet how fiercely loyal she was, or how compassionate,” Shepard said. “Nobody’s mentioned how she never thought twice about putting herself on the line for her squadmates, whether that was in full armour in the middle of a firefight or squaring off with me in her pyjamas in the mess hall.”

The laughter came again, a little louder, a little bolder. Shepard waited for quiet to fall once more, and when he spoke his voice was clear and calm, but also warm and sincere.

“Ash was a brilliant soldier, with the potential to be a commander or even an admiral one day. But she was so much more than that. She spoke what was on her heart without pause or apology. She wasn’t afraid to speak up against injustice, and she never let anyone belittle her or anyone she cared about. She had a big heart and a quick mind, and if her respect was hard to earn it was also worth the trouble. It was my honour to serve with her; she has made an impact on me and our crew that I could never find the words to express.

"Ash died nobly and bravely, with dignity and honour, serving the Alliance to which she had dedicated herself. Nobody in this room will ever forget her, and we will all be better for having known her.”

Kaidan watched with a heart full to bursting as Mrs Williams folded Shepard into a hug, her daughters crowded in on either side. He couldn’t take his eyes off Shepard, so dignified and handsome, so gentle and kind. He glanced around and saw many surprised faces; perhaps after this, that ‘butcher’ label would finally come unstuck.

When Shepard stepped off the stage, Kaidan was there waiting to whisk him away before the crowds of well-wishers could descend. He led him out into a stairwell; the door closed behind them and Shepard sighed into the cool, dim quietness.

“Thank you,” he said to Kaidan, his eyes showing the strain of the day.

“You did so amazingly well,” Kaidan said hoarsely, taking Shepard’s hand.

Shepard smiled wearily, tugging Kaidan closer. “I knew you were out there somewhere and it made it easier.”

Kaidan couldn’t hold in everything he was feeling, and could never have found the words to say it all. Instead he leaned in and kissed Shepard, rejoicing when the commander put a hand at the small of his back and returned the kiss.

They heard the scrape of a footstep on the cement stairs a second before a startled voice exclaimed, “What the – Commander Shepard?”

Kaidan stepped back so quickly he almost stumbled, his eyes wide and his heart racing. Coming up the stairs towards them was a stocky man in an admiral’s uniform, his pudgy face twisted in a scowl.

Shepard drew himself up, his face suddenly hard and cold. “Admiral Henderson,” he said.

Henderson glanced at Kaidan. “Shepard.  And Lieutenant Alenko, if I recall correctly.” His gaze snapped back to Shepard, something cruel and reptilian in his eyes. “One of Shepard’s crew.”

“This is my responsibility,” Shepard said firmly. “Lieutenant Alenko isn’t to blame for any of it.”

“It looked mutual to me,” Henderson said; the look on his face was that of a bully who’d found a weak spot.

“Leave him out of it,” Shepard said, and there was a contained fury in his voice that Kaidan had rarely heard. “I’ll take whatever consequences are coming my way but Lieutenant Alenko doesn’t deserve any comeback.”

“How very noble,” Henderson scoffed. “Fortunately it so happens that I’ll take great delight in throwing the book at you and you alone.”

“Admiral, please,” Kaidan began.

“No, Kaidan,” Shepard interrupted, his eyes still on Henderson. “This is my problem. Let me deal with it.”

“Hackett can’t talk you out of this one, Shepard,” Henderson said, almost gleefully, and Kaidan wondered what he meant. “I’ll see you brought up on charges for this – this is the end of your career.”

* * *

 

_SHEPARD_

_I shouldered my way through the crowds, spilling several of the drinks that were precariously clutched together in my hands. I dumped the cups on the table clumsily and spilled a little more, but everyone was already too drunk to care. It was our first shore leave on our first tour out of the Academy, and we were all doing our best to enjoy it._

_Someone bumped into me from behind and I glanced over my shoulder; the guy said, “Sorry, bro,” and I shrugged, turned away. But then I felt a hand on my shoulder and instinctively ducked out from under it, spinning to confront the guy. He was tall and dark, wearing an Alliance-issue shirt with the crest of the SSV Agincour_ t on it.

_“I know you,” the man said, holding up a finger in my face. “From Tokyo. You lived there, right?”_

_“Fuck off,” I said, slapping away the hand in my face. My belly began to crawl, a chill settling in. The guy looked familiar, it was true, and I had a horrible feeling about how I knew him._

_“No, it_ is _you,” the guy said, grinning. He was drunk and too loud, even though the club’s music was pounding around them, and several of my shipmates turned to look. “Hiroshi, right?”_

_“I said fuck off,” I hissed through my teeth, glaring at…Jamal. His name was Jamal._

_“Is there a problem?” asked Miller, stepping up beside us. There was no chance he was trying to help; he’d simply scented a potential fight and couldn’t resist the bait._

_“No,” I said irritably, “I’m dealing with it.”_

_“What, you don’t remember me?” Jamal said to me, ignoring Miller. “After everything we did? I swear I could still feel your dick in me two days later.”_

_Miller scowled. “That’s fuckin’ disgusting, man.”_

_“And who the hell asked you?” Jamal said to him, aggressive and drunk. “Move it along, pinhead.”_

_A cold glee lit up Miller’s face. “You gonna make me, you dirty little cocksucker?”_

_Rage boiled up from nowhere and I shoved Miller; he glanced at me, confused, and Jamal seized the opportunity to step in and punch him while his guard was down. Chaos erupted as Jamal’s friends began piling in, my friends throwing themselves into the fray. I found myself surrounded, ducking punches, shouting to be heard over the noise, trying to stop the fight I’d started in my anger. I felt disgusted with myself; it was like everything I’d learned at the Academy, every step I’d taken away from the angry kid I used to be, suddenly meant nothing._

_Before long the bouncers broke the fight up, hauling us apart and throwing a few punches of their own. C-Sec arrived, and Captain Henderson was called to escort us back to the Hastings. He didn’t give us any time to clean up or eat or see the ship’s doctor before he had all six of us lined up in his quarters._

_“What happened tonight is a disgrace.  A bar fight in the Wards is bad for the reputation of the Alliance, this ship, and me as your captain,” Henderson said, pacing before us. “Captain Bucharel of the Agincourt is talking courts martial for you all unless the instigator is found. Squad loyalty is all very well, but I’m asking you once and once only – who was responsible for this?”_

_“I don’t think any of us really know, sir,” Sadiq said, before I could speak. “It all happened pretty fast, and there were words exchanged on both sides before the first punch.”_

_“That’s not true - it was Shepard, sir,” said Miller. “He was hitting on some guy and they got into a fistfight, and when I tried to break them up he hit me.”_

_My eyes went wide, shock and anger curling in my gut. “You lying sack of shit,” I exclaimed._

_“That’s not what happened,” Sadiq began._

_“Enough!” Henderson bellowed. To the others he barked, “Get out, all of you. I need to talk to Shepard.”_

_They filed out and I kept my eyes fixed on the far wall, struggling to ignore my anger and get my thoughts in order. The alcohol I’d drunk made my head fuzzy, nothing aligning properly, and I cursed my stupidity at drinking so much._

_When I heard the door close I said_ , _“Permission to speak, sir?”_

_“Permission denied,” Henderson said coldly. “I’ve heard as much as I need to. I knew you were trouble right from the start.”_

_“Sir, I’m not denying I took part in the fight but you haven’t let me give my side or asked any of the others who were there how it - ”_

_“Spare me the whining, Shepard,” Henderson cut in. “I’m recommending you be transferred to another vessel. You’ve always been a disruptive influence and you have far too much attitude for my liking; I can’t have you stirring up dissent among my crew.”_

_“Sir, with respect,” I persisted, my teeth gritted against the word, “this is my first official reprimand and - ”_

_“Are you telling me how to be a captain, Shepard?” Henderson interrupted. “Do you think that after twelve years and numerous commendations I don’t know how to handle disciplinary procedures? You’re lucky I don’t recommend a dishonourable discharge rather than a transfer – now get out before I decide to change my mind about that.”_

_It would have been sensible to shut my mouth and walk away; but something in me wouldn’t let me drop it, wouldn’t let me leave. “Sir, if you won't hear me out then I want to speak to the admiralty.”_

_“Are you still here?” Henderson sneered, ignoring my words. “Have you not got the message yet that what you want doesn’t count for shit? Or are you hanging around hoping I’ll let you suck my cock?”_

_“What did you say?” I gasped, sure I’d misheard._

_“I’d heard rumours about your…_ predilections, _though apparently I’m not allowed to care about that kind of thing,” Henderson said with a sniff. “Most guys like you have the decency to keep it to themselves, but obviously you don’t have enough sense. So let me be clear - I don’t want you on my ship, and I don’t want you on my crew.”_

_"Are you saying that you don’t value me as a soldier because I’m gay?” I asked through numb lips, fists clenching reflexively at my sides._

_“_ _Among other things,” Henderson said, a cold gleam behind his smile._

_“This is bullshit,” I snarled, finally exploding. “You can’t do this, Captain - I’ll take my complaint above your head.”_

_"Do whatever the hell you want!” Henderson roared, anger contorting his face. “Nobody will believe you, and nobody will care. Just like your father.”_

_Everything went red; my heartbeat was thumping in my ears. I raised a fist to strike my captain but at the very last second pulled the blow, spinning to punch the bulkhead beside me instead. Pain bloomed across my shattered knuckles but it barely registered over the anger that surged and rolled through my body._

_“Get the hell out of here,” Henderson said, the disgust clear in his voice and face. “You don’t have the mettle to be a Marine, and I’m going to make sure that your career is brief and ignominious.”_


	9. NINE

KAIDAN

“This feels wrong,” Kaidan said, pushing a hand through his hair. “We shouldn’t be going without you.”

“This lead on Ilos needs to be investigated right now, and I won’t allow Anderson to break me out and risk his career even more than he already is by bringing you here,” Shepard said. He glanced at Captain Anderson, standing just inside the doorway with Shepard’s guard. “I can’t think of anyone I’d trust more than you with such an important mission.”

Kaidan smiled, but it was brief. “I spoke to Hackett again this morning. He’s still pushing the appeal to have the charges dropped but Henderson has the backing of quite a few influential people, by the sounds of it.”

“I’ve made a lot of enemies along the way,” Shepard said without rancour. “I always knew it would come back to bite me. And let’s not forget that I’m guilty as charged.”

“How many commanders have ever been hauled up for breaking fraternisation regs?” Kaidan asked, his voice low but his tone heated. “And you’re a Spectre, for God’s sake – this whole thing is ridiculous.” He looked away, shame welling up. “And it’s my fault.”

“No,” said Shepard, moving swiftly to grasp his hand. “Don’t you dare blame yourself.”

Kaidan looked over at Anderson, but he was pointedly looking the other way to give them some privacy. “But if I hadn’t kissed you that day,” he said in a hushed voice.

“I kissed you back,” Shepard reminded him. “We’re partners in all this now, Kaidan, for good or for bad. Besides, the only reason Henderson is pushing so hard is because it’s me you were kissing.”

“I thought there must be some kind of history with him,” Kaidan said, frowning. 

Shepard sighed, stroking Kaidan’s knuckles with his thumb. “We’ve had a few run-ins over the years, starting when he was an instructor at the Alliance training academy. He was my captain on the Hastings, my first tour out, and he had me transferred within weeks. He also gave me my first and only official reprimand, then told me in private that he disliked me because I’m gay.”

“What?” Kaidan gasped, eyes widening. “That’s outrageous, he’s barred by protocol from even asking about that!”

Shepard nodded. “And of course he denied it. If Hackett hadn’t stepped in at my hearing, my career could very well have ended there.”

“So this is a personal vendetta,” Kaidan said angrily. “That idiot is willing to screw the career of one of the finest soldiers Earth has to offer because he’s a homophobic prick?”

Shepard smiled, squeezing Kaidan’s hand. “Relax, Kaidan. Henderson’s influence only stretches so far, and there are plenty of people who like him even less than I do. By the time you get back from Ilos, I’ll be waiting in Apollo’s with a nice steak sandwich.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” Kaidan said, trying to make his smile as genuine as he could. They both knew there was a chance that the Normandy wouldn’t make it back, but there was no point in voicing it. They were soldiers; they knew the score.

“Commander, Lieutenant,” said Anderson from the doorway; his tone was respectful, even a touch regretful. “We need to move while there’s still a chance to get the Normandy out of lockdown.”

“Thank you,” Shepard said. Lowering his voice, he said to Kaidan, “You’ve got this, Kaidan – I know you can do it.”

Kaidan nodded. “I hope you’re right. Before I go, I have something for you.” He reached into his pocket, withdrew an envelope and handed it to Shepard.

Shepard’s eyebrows flicked up questioningly as he tore it open. When he drew out the photograph inside he went utterly still, his smile freezing before slowly fading. “What is…where did you get this?” he asked, his voice barely more than a whisper.

“Hackett tracked down the image for me and I had it printed,” Kaidan said. “I figured you’d want to choose a frame and put it somewhere rather than just having a projection. Sometimes it’s nice to hold something in your hands.”

Shepard’s eyes were fixed on the photograph and Kaidan moved alongside him to look at it again. 

A woman with shining dark hair sat in a field of lavender, a young boy on her lap. She was looking down at the boy, her smile filled with love and adoration; her arms were around him, keeping him safe, and he looked happy, content.

“Okāsama,” Shepard breathed. “I can’t...Kaidan, this is…” He trailed off, tracing the woman’s face with a fingertip. Then he looked up at Kaidan, his eyes glimmering and bright. “Nobody has ever given me anything more precious. You are…I love you.”

The breath was punched from Kaidan’s lungs, moments before a grin burst out. “I love you too.”

Shepard turned and pulled Kaidan into a tight embrace, unmindful of Anderson and the guard standing at the door, and Kaidan returned it fiercely. He felt a pulse through Shepard’s body, a sob that was quickly muffled, and Kaidan turned his face to kiss Shepard’s temple. “I’ll be back soon,” he said quietly in Shepard’s ear. “And I’m going to buy you that sandwich before I take you to the fanciest hotel on the Presidium and spend all night showing you how much I love you.”

*

SHEPARD

I knew something was wrong when my door guard put a hand to his ear, listening to the transmission over his private comms before shooting a worried glance in my direction. I immediately thought of the Normandy, of Kaidan, their mission to Ilos.

Then a siren began to wail, an automated voice declaring a lockdown of the Citadel, calling all C-Sec and military personnel to report.

“What’s going on?” I asked the guard.

“The Citadel is under attack,” he stuttered, pale and ashen, so young. “They said…they said it’s the geth.”

“Saren,” I muttered, my blood running cold. If he was here, leading an army, that probably meant that the Normandy’s mission had failed; that Kaidan was – 

I cut that thought off hard, saying to the guard, “We have to respond, they need every soldier out there!”

“But you’re…I mean, my orders…” he said, eyes wide.

I put my hand on his shoulder, meeting his eyes, keeping my voice low and calm. “I will take all responsibility if there is any comeback on you. But we can’t possibly stay tucked away back here and wait for the geth to overrun us.”

He nodded, his eyes gaining focus. “Yes, sir. I’ll take you to the armoury.”

The guard opened the door and I followed him along the corridor; I could distantly hear screams and sirens, the chatter of gunfire, the muffled boom of an explosion. Before I’d taken a dozen steps a voice called my name; I turned and saw Anderson jogging towards me.

“I was just coming to get you out,” he said, and we entered the armoury together.

“Tell me what’s happening,” I said as we suited up in borrowed hardsuits.

“Sovereign and the geth are attacking the Citadel,” Anderson said grimly. “The Citadel Fleet has taken a lot of damage but they’re working on closing the Citadel Arms. The Council is being evacuated to the Destiny Ascension right now.”

“And the Normandy?” I asked, strapping a rifle to my back, giving myself a reason to look away.

“No word,” Anderson said, sympathy in his voice. 

I nodded, swallowing the shards of panic that spiked my chest. “So where can we be most useful?”

“I stopped at an Avina terminal on my way up here,” Anderson said. “Apparently Saren just arrived and is en route to the Council Chambers; it said that ‘C-Sec is currently unable to respond to the threat’ so I recommend we head over there.”

“Let’s go,” I said, letting him lead the way.

The Presidium was in chaos, people running and shouting, nobody clear on where to go or where was safe. Over the din, a repeating announcement told all civilians to evacuate immediately, pointing them to the docking level, but it was almost drowned out among the screams and gunfire and explosions. I felt an echo of Mindoir, a clutch of fear, but I pushed it aside as I saw the flicker of synthetic sunlight on metal bodies – geth, pouring in from every entrance.

Anderson and I sprinted for cover, ducking behind a concrete planter. Peering around the edge, I saw a group of C-Sec officers engage the geth and get shot apart almost instantly. Rage boiled up inside me, burning away the fear and panic. For once I embraced the anger, used it to fuel me, to push aside the thought of Kaidan lying dead on some forgotten planet and focus on what needed to be done.

“With me,” I called to Anderson, and together we ran to the next available cover. I was moving before I realised that he should be the one calling orders, but he followed without comment so once we were safe I said, “We can’t engage every geth we find, we have to get to the Chambers as quickly as we can.”

“Push forward, only take on enemies in our path, watch each other’s six,” Anderson said with a sharp nod.

I nodded back, then we stepped out from cover and into chaos.

We ran forward and a troop of geth appeared to our right; I fired two short three-round bursts, taking out two of the geth, and Anderson dispatched another two. Rounds pinged off my shields, which wavered orange in front of my face, and I wished suddenly and fiercely that Kaidan and Garrus were at my back. Keeping my focus, I dropped to my knee and took out the last two geth.

My heart was hammering but I felt oddly detached, like I was watching events but not part of them. I wondered if it was shock, grief, but I had no time to indulge it. The whirring chatter of the geth filled the air, the smell of smoke and blood thick in my throat. The atmosphere felt charged, heavy, and as we ran past the relay statue in the Presidium the feeling got stronger. I could almost taste the eezo and electricity in the air, the hairs on my neck standing up.

“Shepard!” Anderson shouted, his voice weirdly distorted through the helmet comms where it had been clear just moments earlier. I glanced over and saw him pointing at the statue; it had started glowing blue, spinning and whirling.

“Shit,” I breathed as realisation dawned. “It’s not a statue, it’s a relay!”

“So that means…” Anderson tailed off, head shaking.

“The Conduit isn’t a weapon,” I said. “It’s a doorway - the whole of the Citadel is a damned relay.”

“Come on, we can figure out the details later,” Anderson said. 

He’d barely taken a step before the air around us began to pull towards the relay, a whooshing, surging rush that dragged us a few paces before we could regain our balance. The air sparked and glowed, and without warning a massive shape barrelled through the relay and crashed into the wall.

It was twisted and battered, upside down and fire-scorched, but unmistakeable.

“That’s the Mako!” I shouted to Anderson as my heart soared and then clenched in my chest. I ran towards the vehicle, as fast as I could but still too slowly; I was halfway there when a figure crawled out from the wreckage. The light caught on dark green armour; it was Kaidan.

I was at his side just in time to steady him as he made it to his feet. I was laughing, I realised, releasing the tension and horror that had been crawling in my gut since I first heard the sirens. I clutched at Kaidan, anywhere I could reach, needing to feel his form solid under my hands. He began to shrug me off but then looked again, tilting his head as he studied me. Then his hands came up and gripped my helmet, pulling it to rest against his. I held onto his wrists and just breathed, standing in the moment.

“Shepard!” Anderson called, bringing me back to reality. “Saren is in the elevator, we have to go.”

“Next time I see Kaidan, I’m giving you credits to go to the movies,” I said, and his laughter stirred my spirits.

Behind Kaidan I recognised Garrus, then Liara; we took a moment to greet each other, unable to speak but clearly each relieved to see we were all unharmed. 

With my squad at my back, Kaidan in my sights, I found a new resolve and vigour coursing through me. 

Saren had picked the wrong day to come after the people I cared about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was so delayed, and thank you for sticking with it :)


	10. TEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 aka 'Kaidan makes good on his promise' ;)

KAIDAN

He had no idea where he was, but it was dark and warm and comfortable. He felt peaceful, calm, and he wallowed in the sensation.

Somewhere off in the darkness was a twinkling point of light, but he ignored it. Something told him that pain and sorrow lay that way, despite how temptingly it glittered. He turned and pushed away from it, sinking back down where it was quiet and untroubled. But the light kept glimmering, growing brighter, and memories began to intrude. They were disjointed and confusing, all except for one; warm brown eyes, a smile that made the darkness shimmer, unexpected dimples and thick dark hair. It was a face he knew, that made him want to kick toward the light despite whatever suffering lay there.

And eventually, tired of fighting and struggling, he turned fully to the pinpoint and opened his eyes.

He was in a hospital bed, a silent vid screen looming high up on the opposite wall. It was tuned to a news channel, a serious-looking reporter in a studio cutting to footage from the heat of battle. He had to look away, his eye falling on the impressive wall of machines to one side of him.

There were lights flashing, a steady rhythmic beep that he assumed was a good thing, and tubes attached to more than one part of his body. Pain suffused every part of him but it was blissfully muted, no doubt thanks to the drip alongside the bed. Slowly, gingerly, he turned his head to the other side.

There was a man slumped in the chair beside him. His was the face Kaidan remembered from the darkness, but it was drawn and pale and thinner than it should have been. The brown eyes were closed, smudged with fatigue shadows. The dark hair was loose, which struck Kaidan as unusual though he didn’t know why, and the hoodie he wore was unfamiliar but somehow comforting.

Kaidan watched the man sleeping, searching his muddled mind for a name. No words came, just a wave of emotion. First came protectiveness; the man looked so weary, even in sleep, and Kaidan wanted to get out of his bed and tell the man to get into it. Then came respect, admiration, a sense that he could trust this man and would follow him anywhere.

One of the machines beside him began to chime, a red line appearing on one of the monitors, and Kaidan realised his pulse had sped up. The noise made the man stir and then he sat up straight, fully awake immediately.

“Kaidan,” he said. A smile twitched and he self-consciously pushed his dark hair back off his forehead.

“Hey,” Kaidan croaked, breathless for more than one reason.

A nurse appeared, a beautiful asari who smiled warmly at the man before checking the flashing machine and finally looking down at Kaidan. “It’s nice to see you awake, Lieutenant Alenko,” she said as she pressed some buttons and calmed the machine. “Commander, could you please get your friend some water?”

“Of course,” said the man – the commander. Kaidan watched him while the nurse did some pulse and blood pressure checks, watched his slender fingers grasp the handle of the jug, watched the concentration on his face as he poured the water. It was such a simple task, nothing special at all, but Kaidan couldn’t look away. The commander turned to him, handed him the cup of water; Kaidan’s hand trembled as he took it.

“Everything looks fine but Dr Lewis will stop in soon just to be sure,” the nurse said, and smiled at the commander again before leaving.

Kaidan took a long, satisfying drink and the man took the cup when he was done. “Thanks,” Kaidan said.

The man nodded but didn’t speak. He looked so uncertain that it made Kaidan’s chest ache; he probably wasn’t responding the way his visitor expected and he felt bad, but he couldn’t remember anything beyond the warmth in those eyes and the need to please this man.

“I should go,” the man said eventually, taking a step back from the bed. “You need to adjust to being awake and I know how much you value time alone.”

“No, wait,” Kaidan said, a thread of panic lacing through him as he raised a hand instinctively. “Don’t go, please.”

The man smiled and moved closer, taking Kaidan’s hand. Kaidan looked down at the strong, slim fingers clasped around his own and was hit with a sense memory of those fingers on his face, in his hair. He gasped, his chest constricting.

“Are you alright?” the man frowned.

“Shepard,” Kaidan panted. “I remember.”

“Remember what?” Shepard asked, reaching up to stroke Kaidan’s hair gently.

“You,” Kaidan said, laughing a little as a rush of love and giddiness overtook him. “I remember you. I remember watching you when you didn’t know I was there…you were talking to Garrus about something, and you smiled, and I wanted to make you do it again and again. I remember how you make me feel – strong and capable, wanted, needed…like the most important person in the world. And I remember your mouth…” He stopped suddenly, catching himself before he said anything stupid.

But Shepard leaned in, a smile curling his lips. “What about my mouth?”

“How soft your lips are…how good they feel on mine…how the taste of you makes me dizzy.” Kaidan’s heart was racing but he couldn’t stop smiling.

Shepard didn’t say anything, just leaned in and pressed his mouth to Kaidan’s. It was gentle but firm, a hint of tongue and then over.

“Ahem,” said a voice from the doorway. They both looked over and Shepard smiled; Kaidan realised he recognised the turian strutting into the room looking distinctly amused.

“Garrus,” said Shepard, straightening.  Kaidan immediately, reflexively, began to withdraw his hand but Shepard squeezed a little tighter.

“Everyone knows about us by now,” he said. “We’ve been the talk of the Citadel.”

“For how long?” asked Kaidan hoarsely. “I mean – how long have I been out?”

“Nine days,” said Garrus, stopping on the opposite side of the bed to Shepard. “Which I think qualifies as milking it, so I’m happy to see you’ve come to your senses and woken up.”

“What happened to me?” Kaidan asked, then in the same breath went on, “You know what? Tell me later.”

“How did your mysterious errand go?” Shepard asked Garrus.

“Very well,” Garrus said, mandibles twitching. “I’m at liberty to tell you about it now, if you’d like to know the details.”

Shepard looked down at Kaidan, who shrugged. “I’m not going anywhere, and I love a good mystery.”

“Fine,” Shepard said, pulling up the chair and sitting without letting go of Kaidan's hand. “We’re listening.”

“You may recall that I was once one of C-Sec’s finest officers,” Garrus said. “And while I was there I made links with several…shady characters. When I found out that this Henderson guy was making life hard for you, I called in a few favours to see what dirt I could find on him.”

“Garrus,” Shepard frowned. “That’s highly unethical.”

“Also highly effective,” Garrus shrugged. “I found out some _very_ juicy information about him and a certain private club he frequents regularly. It’s a nasty little place, caters to every disgusting whim you can imagine. C-Sec keeps shutting it down but it just springs up again like a toadstool in a new location.”

“Garrus, whatever his sexual proclivities, I refuse to sink to that level,” Shepard said, a flush creeping over his cheeks. “He held my sexuality against me and I won’t do the same to him.”

“We’re not just talking about a gender preference here, Shepard,” Garrus argued. “The things he’s into are illegal, not to mention depraved. It would certainly end his career if the Alliance brass were to find out, and I doubt his arguments against you would carry any weight after it all came out.”

“No,” Shepard said firmly. “There’s a chance it’ll all be quietly put aside now anyway, but even if the trial resumes I’ll face whatever is coming.”

“Whatever you say,” Garrus shrugged, seemingly unconcerned.

The asari nurse appeared in the doorway and cleared her throat. “Commander Shepard, Admiral Hackett is on the vid screen in our conference room – he’s asking to speak with you.”

Shepard nodded. “Thank you,” he said. He leaned in and kissed Kaidan’s forehead, then murmured in his ear, “I’ll come back later. Get some rest.”

“I will,” Kaidan said, squeezing his hand before letting go. “Thanks.”

When Shepard was gone, Garrus moved to sit in his chair. “I knew he’d say that,” he said, stretching out his legs comfortably and crossing his hands over his stomach. “Which is why I went ahead and gave the admiralty an anonymous tip-off before I came here.”

“You did _what_?” Kaidan asked, brows rising.

“Just because Shepard’s above playing dirty, doesn’t mean we all are,” Garrus said. “And trust me, Kaidan, the things Henderson has been doing in private needed to come to light, whether it benefits Shepard or not. He’s a vile human being, a disgrace to your species, and I don’t regret a thing.” He lifted his chin defiantly, head tilting as he stared unwaveringly at Kaidan.

Kaidan sighed. “Well…if that’s true then I guess you did the right thing. And, uh…thank you for helping Shepard.”

“Sure,” Garrus nodded, a new softness in his tone. “The charges against the two of you are nonsensical anyway. As if any of us can help who we fall in love with.”

Kaidan flushed. “So _everyone_ knows about us?”

“Oh yeah, _everyone_ ,” Garrus drawled. “You even made the news.”

“Great,” Kaidan said, knowing his face was getting redder by the second. “Just how I wanted my parents to find out I finally met someone.”

Garrus chuckled. “If it helps, we’re all on your side. Tali thinks it’s adorable, Liara wanted to know if you two are bondmates now and even Joker hasn’t made any jokes about it. Well, except that one about you two and the case of lager…”

“Stop,” Kaidan groaned, but he was smiling.

“We’re on your side,” Garrus said again. “Whatever comes, we’re sticking together.”

“Thank you,” Kaidan said, warmth blooming in his belly. “That means a lot. Just don’t ever tell me that joke…”

* * *

SHEPARD

I can’t stop looking at Kaidan.

He draws my eye irresistibly; he’s never looked more handsome.  All through dinner I kept staring, even when he caught me – his blush made him even more attractive and I had to smile, which made him smile, which made him even more handsome, which made me start staring all over again. And now we’re in a lift, in the swankiest hotel on the Presidium. We’re standing beside each other, shoulders barely touching; we both know what’s ahead, no need to rush anything yet.

The elevator doors slide silently open and we step out. I let him lead us to the room – our room – and open the door. I let him switch on a lamp and slip off his jacket, kicking off my shoes when he does the same. I let him walk into the centre of the room, look out at the view through the large windows and start to comment on how gorgeous it all is. But I don’t let him finish that thought because as beautiful as the view is, it’s nothing compared to his eyes.

When I kiss him, his hands grasp my waist and his mouth opens to mine. Our tongues slide together and he moans, soft and contented, and my stomach twists with want. I cradle his face gently, his skin warm beneath my fingers, holding him close as I kiss him. His fingers move to my shirt buttons and I smile against his mouth.

“Is this too fast?” he asks, but he keeps unbuttoning my shirt as though he knows the answer is no.

“We’re certainly not here for the view,” I murmur, kissing his brow, his head tilted down as he watches what he’s doing.

Kaidan slips the last button free and opens my shirt. “ _I’m_ here for the view,” he says, tracing my stomach with his fingertips, then glances up at me with a cheeky smile.

I laugh. “That was terrible.”

“Made you laugh, though,” Kaidan says, and kisses me again; I could get drunk on his lips.

His hands smooth over my body and I reach for the hem of his shirt, lifting it over his head without bothering to unfasten any buttons. It catches briefly on his nose, making him laugh. His body is wonderfully familiar but I’m seeing it in a new way; because this time I’m allowed to touch it, trace the scars, press my mouth to the warm skin.

He tugs the tie from my hair and it spills around my face; he pushes his hands through it and I feel the tingling, shivering pleasure all the way down my spine. He fumbles at my waistband and I help him unfasten my pants; he’s becoming bolder, both his hands immediately moving inside my clothes to grab my ass. His mouth is on my throat and I sigh; there’s a hint of his name in it and his fingers tighten.

“Is this real?” he breathes against my skin, licking my neck, his nose nuzzling behind my ear.

“You tell me,” I reply, turning my face to capture his lips again. As I kiss him, I unzip his pants and push them down, crowding him until he steps back and back again, his legs hitting the bed so that he sits with a thump and our mouths part. Immediately I follow, leaning over him, and he’s moving on his back to the centre of the bed with his hands on my body and his tongue in my mouth. I slide into the cradle of his hips, only underwear between us now, and kiss him slowly, languidly; unhurried, lazy, enjoying every stroke of his tongue, every tethered moan, every teasing glide of his fingers on my body.

When his arms circle my ribs and his thumbs hook in the waistband of my briefs, I break the kiss and look into his eyes. He stares at me as his hands pull my underwear down, past the curve of my ass, the soft fabric snagging on my erection for a moment before he can get it free. He’s still looking into my eyes as his hand closes around my rigid length; I moan softly but I can’t look away. His eyes are hypnotic, reflecting points of amber from the lamplight, fixed on mine with an intensity that makes me shudder. His lips are reddened, kiss-bruised, and curve into a smile as he watches me.

“I love you,” he says, smoky and soft.

My belly clenches. “I love you,” I repeat, and I have to kiss him again because a wave of emotion is threatening to engulf me and he’s the only thing in the universe that makes me feel grounded.

I’m so lost in him, his scent, his warmth. He begins to peel his underwear off and I finally catch on and help him, sitting up a little. I put my hand on his ankle, run it up his muscled calf, the hairs tickling at my fingers. He’s watching me, smiling, and I take pleasure in the way his thigh muscles clench as my hand moves; it glides up to his hip, my thumb brushing his balls as it passes, and he takes a sharp breath.

He is magnificent naked, every inch of him perfect in my eyes. I lean down and rest my weight on my elbows, kissing him with more urgency now. I want to worship him for hours with my hands and my mouth, but my patience and resolve are wearing thin under the weight of my desire for him. His hands thread through my hair again and I shudder, a pleased hum breaking from my throat.

“I love hearing you moan for me,” he whispers in my ear, his tongue flickering against the lobe before his teeth bite down gently. His knees come up beside my hips, his toes brushing the back of my calves, and I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his as I thrust helplessly against him. Our erections rub and slide together and I feel the breath judder through his chest.

“You are everything, Kaidan,” I say, barely more than a murmur, and his hands cup my face again as he kisses me deeply, sweetly.

“I want to feel you,” he says, and my heart could burst with how much I love this man.

The bedside cabinet is well supplied; my hands are shaking as I pour lubricant onto my fingers. Kaidan is waiting, unmoving but impatient, his legs raised to his chest which heaves with every breath. When I touch him, his eyes flicker closed; when one finger breaches him, he breathes my name.

I watch him writhe gently beneath me, using one finger and then two to seek out the spots that will make him gasp. A lifetime ago I excelled at this, at making my partner come undone under my skilled fingers. But that was all about power, about showing them how good I was, about making them crave my attention. This time, all I want is to see that ripple of pleasure cross Kaidan’s face again, to hear his voice caught in a breathless groan, to know that I am bringing him nothing but joy and taking him away from everything that is painful. I want to be his release, his safe space, his anchor and his haven. I want to be everything to him that he’s become for me.

His eyes open and fasten onto mine, and he nods.

As his body welcomes me in, inch by inch, his eyes and his smile take me into his heart. The physical sensation of entering him is blissful, each excruciatingly slow inch taking me deeper into pleasure. But my emotional response is so profound, so unexpected, that I have to bite back a sob and turn it into a moan. I’ve never felt a connection with anyone like this before; the sensation of his tight warmth around me is so intensely good that I almost can’t bear it, heightened by the adoration in his eyes and the reflexive clenching of his fingers against my body. I have to look away from him, dropping my head, kissing his skin to hide the turmoil inside me.

I pause when I’m all the way inside him, his arms and legs wrapping around me in an echo of where we are joined. I couldn’t have moved if I’d wanted to at that moment, too caught up in the weight of it. But then his hips shimmy under me, his gentle voice in my ear asks me to move, and my body comes alive in a blazing rush of fresh arousal.

I draw my hips back and thrust in again, and the sound of his broken cry sets a fire in my belly. Sheer delight suffuses me and I begin to thrust with purpose, deep and rhythmic, as he encourages me with his voice and his hands and his mouth. Sweat sheens my skin as I fight hard against the rising waves of euphoria, my mind trying to hold back my body; I want to stretch out this moment for as long as I can.

Beneath me, Kaidan grasps my wrist and drags my hand to his erection; it’s hot and slick with his arousal, red and rigid, and as soon as my fingers touch it he throws his head back against the bed and cries out my name again. My groin begins to tighten and I take his length in a firm grip, using steady, twisting strokes to match the pace of my thrusts inside him. I feel him tightening and clenching around me, his fingers digging into my skin, his chest flushed and heaving. It’s overwhelming and my orgasm begins, pulsing through my body in electric bursts that get stronger with each thrust.

He opens his eyes and watches my face; I resist turning away, wanting him to see what he’s doing to me, the look in his eyes intensifying everything I’m feeling. My hand is still moving on him but my rhythm is faltering; he weaves our fingers together and takes over, and within a few strokes he joins me in orgasm.

The peace that settles deep in the core of me is something new as his hands slowly stroke over my back, as he smiles up at me in blissful satisfaction, as the scent of his sweat touches my nose. The sparkle of his eyes, the curve of his lips, the shine of his hair, the texture of his skin – I can’t even begin take it all in. If I had a thousand years with this man, I would never be able to process all the ways I love him.

“Come back to me,” he says, reaching up to follow my cheekbone with gentle fingertips, smiling softly.

“Sorry,” I say. “I do that.”

“I know you do,” Kaidan says, “and I love it about you.”

I turn my face towards his hand and he cups my cheek; I close my eyes as tears threaten.

“You’re the only one,” he says, brushing his mouth over my cheek, my jaw. “The way I feel about you, Shepard…the way you make me feel about myself…nobody has ever touched me the way you do, body or soul. I’m a better man because of you.”

_You’re the only one I can trust with my heart, Kaidan. When I look into your eyes, I can see the man you think I am and it’s the man I wish I could be. But I know that with you at my side, your love and your strength to depend on, I will be that man one day. I want to be the best version of myself because it’s who you deserve. Nobody has ever understood me like you do, even Mal, even Okāsama. Because I’ve never let anyone else see all of me; I’ve never wanted to. You are my whole universe, the reason I keep fighting, the reason I always will._

The thoughts echo in my head, but I can’t find a way to express them; my mouth goes dry, my brow furrowing. I want him to understand how much he means to me, how much he’s changed me, but the words stick in my mouth.

But then Kaidan kisses my temple and whispers, “I know, Shepard. I see you,” and I realise that he understands it anyway.

I think he always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End :)
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading, and sticking with me despite a couple of delayed chapters. Every kudos and comment has been seen and treasured, and my gratitude knows no bounds!

**Author's Note:**

> Come and find me on Tumblr @missannaraven


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